The Stars Say...

Oh, but I do believe in astrology, to an extent. I figure, if the moon can affect the tides, and we're 75% water, the planetary alignment could affect people's moods.

Philosophy for Dummies

God is a concept
By which we measure
Our pain
I'll say it again
God is a concept
By which we measure
Our pain
I don't believe in magic
I don't believe in I-ching
I don't believe in Bible
I don't believe in tarot
I don't believe in Hitler
I don't believe in Jesus
I don't believe in Kennedy
Í don't believe in Buddha
I don't believe in Mantra
I don't believe in gita
I don't believe in yoga
I don't believe in kings
I don't believe in Elvis
I don't believe in Zimmerman
I don't believe in Beatles
I just believe in me

--John Lennon

I don't believe in God. That is, I don't believe, as countless people do, in a being or power that created the universe and has had or will have an additional effect on the Earth and its denizens. I don't believe that something talked to Buddha and Moses and Mohammed and Joan of Arc, and gave them commands. I don't believe that prayer changes anything except the mindset of the praying person. I don't know if there is life after death, but I doubt it. I don't believe in Heaven, Hell, karma or reincarnation. I don't believe that all people act morally because of a fear of Hell. I don't believe all people do anything. I don't believe in ghosts, magic spells, or the collective unconscious. I used to believe in some of it, but things change. People, animals, plants, minerals, water, fire; this is all we have.

I believe that people have free will, and that nurture is stronger than nature. I believe that people are inherently good. I believe in morality. My moral code is to treat others the way I would like to be treated. (It's really self-preservation. I'm sure the first time one caveman saw his neighbor killed by another caveman, he thought, "Hey, I don't want that happening to me. I think killing other cavemen is wrong, and I'll spread the word." Same thing the first time one caveman saw his neighbor with his cavewoman.) I'm not so self-righteous as to think myself perfect, but my goals are to not lie, cheat, steal, injure or in other way harm other people. That includes, to me, schadenfrude and wishing specific ills on people. Sure, you know I get angry at people for their stupid behavior, but I'd rather they change their behavior than be hit by a bus. Please trust that I exaggerate for comic effect. Now, it may not directly hurt someone else to enjoy her suffering or wish she would accidentally stick a fork in her eye, but harboring such thoughts opens us up to allowing ourselves to behave in a harmful way.

(I believe in right and wrong, but also in that which is neither. It just is what it is. Now, deliberately going out of your way to get in the way of someone else's happiness in the name of morality is a big no-no in my book. That's right, if my sex/love life doesn't involve you, it's none of your business, and not subject to morality.)

I don't get it when people say, "Well, you just have to have faith that there is a god, and when we die, we go to a better place." No, I don't. You know that old quote by Groucho, where he says that he wouldn't be a part of any club that would have him? Well, I wouldn't want to believe in any god that was happy with people being unquestioning sheep. It may be a paradox, but the best god would be one whose believers were atheists. Ok, you're right, that doesn't make any sense, but I like the sound of it.

People talk about the glories and happiness of being with God, but all I see are zealots, killing each other in the name of their god. I hear people calling themselves "chosen ones," when the fact is that they are the ones doing the choosing, not "God". Hatred, massacres, Crusades, destruction, in the name of a god. People just can't take responsibility for their own feelings. Do you hate homosexuality because God told you to, or because you just hate it? Do you want to destroy the magnificent libraries of a foreign people because they are heathens, or because you know they are smarter than you are, and you don't want to feel inferior? Do you grasp onto to hope of life after death because you hate the life you have? Even the good; I believe Jesus may have been a person who had great ideas. A philosopher doesn't believe God is talking to him, though; he takes credit for those ideas. I'd venture that most people who say God talks to them are schizophrenic. But that's another story.

We are born. We have a limited amount of tme on the Earth, and we can make of it what we choose. We are all limited by our resources; some are more attractive, or more intelligent, or more athletic. Society dictates how we start out, and sometimes how we will end up. Then we die. Maybe a victim of crime, or an accident, or disease. Rarely, people can live long enough that their bodies just give out. Then it's over. It doesn't matter what you did in your life that was good or bad or how often you went to church or how often you hurt others. We all die.

In the time I have, I'll follow my moral code (which is okay for most people! check the old Bible for the Golden Rule). If I'm wrong, and there is a God that would deem that a bad way to live, then I don't want its love or comfort. You can ask anyone who knows me, and I'll bet they agree that I'm a better person than George W. Bush, Osama bin Laden, Jerry Falwell, Ariel Sharon, or Yasser Arafat. And they all believe in God.

Clever Headline

The cast of Friends looks far too tan for people who are supposed to live in New York.

Kwanzaa starts tonight. It was started in the 60s and promotes such values as "believe in yourself" and "help the community". Hippies.

One More Thing

And another thing, Ms. Zellweger. Where do you get off playing Janis Joplin? She was fucked up on Southern Comfort and heroin for 75% of her life, but at least she could open up her eyes once in a while.

While I'm bitching about Renee Zellweger, I wish someone would tell her that if she keeps messing with her weight like that, she's going to have a heart attack. Guess what, honey? In the movies, they can make you look fat! It's true! And what's more, you don't have to shrink down to 90 pounds just to prove you're attractive! Oh, what's the point? I hate all of them. It's no wonder people like reality shows. Actors and celebrities are tiresome and repulsive. I mean, every day that passes, I grow more and more grossed out by Madonna. I even feel like apologizing for listening to her old music. This could go on and on. I'm going to watch "The Price is Right." At least Bob Barker never lets me down.

Seeing Things In A Whole New Light Isn't Necessarily A Good Thing

So, I see this ad for One True Thing, you know, the movie where Meryl Streep is Renee Zellweger's mom who gets cancer. Who the hell is this movie for? If you are a daughter, you could maybe appreciate your mom more, but it's not likely. If you are a daughter who has lost her mother, especially to cancer (hi!), all you could get out of this film is more grief. I'm tired of being forced to confront my greatest pain every other time I turn on the TV, thank you. Maybe a daughter of a mother who had cancer and beat it could feel so very lucky. Good for them. Personally, I hate people whose mothers beat cancer. Sure it's silly and irrational, and sure, a very close friend of mine just had that happen, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to punch her. So do me a favor, Haollywood, stop making movies about people with cancer. It's not like AIDS, which is a subject about which we need more exposure and education. It's cancer. It's ugly and painful, and the families of its victims are tired of being sad all the time.

Hey, if the families of Columbine students could get the final episode of Buffy Season 3 postponed because students used weapons (of the mostly medieval variety) against the town mayor-- who had transformed into a giant demon-- I can request that ER never reruns the episode where Mark Green's dad dies from lung cancer. I can request that Sharon Osbourne shut the hell up about how she was able to beat colon cancer (which is what my mom had) because she's so rich. I know nobody will pay attention to my requests, but if I can't vent in my blog, where can I vent?

Yule Love It!

I know. You're shocked that I'm awake so early, on a holiday, no less. Well, I was awakened this lovely X-Mas morn at 7:55 by the gentle strains of some crazy old woman yelling to another woman across the street while her big dog barked in protest. It was beautiful! I had to open my window and yell at them to move it along. What a great way to start the day!

I figured I might as well get up, what with the sun shining and all, so I turned on channel 11 to watch the Yule log. The news was still on, so I left the TV on and rolled over for a few more winks. Around 9 am, I kicked the cat off the bed, made it up, and did a couple of stretches. I showered, then went out for milk. I was thinking about making French toast, then I remembered that that would be unpatriotic, so I opted for Cream of Wheat. When I got home, I turned on the Yule log (a video of a fireplace with Christmas music playing in the background), turned on the tree, lit some holiday type candles, and started breakfast. I figured since it's a holiday, I deserved a big one. Coffee, grapefruit juice (my favorite juice), scrambled eggs with thyme, wheat toat, and Cream of Wheat with whole blueberries and milk. Yum! So, nobody needs to feel sorry for me that I'm staying home for Christmas.

Warning: May Be Harmful to Patient

I was just watching TV, and I heard the most ridiculous thing. The ad was for Strattera, a drug which is used to treat ADHD, otherwise known as "childhood behavior." Watch out! If your child is acting childlike, you may have to medicate it! Anyway, one of the many warnings included this statement: "Tell your doctor if your child has a history of heart problems." Um, if your doctor doesn't already know your child has a history of heart problems, you have serious parenting difficulties. Of course, the doctor needs to know, but if you have to be told to do that, you shouldn't even have kids. Wait, what am I thinking? People who have their children treated for imaginary diseases are idiots by default. I apologize. The ad men did the right thing. You go, ad men!

Holiday Notes

Happy Christmas Eve, sixth day of Hanukkah, post-winter solstice, etc. As a Santa worshipper, I'm about done with this holiday season. Of course, it'll really be over when I wake up wearing one sparkly earring and an evening gown hiked up around my waist, with mascara smeared all over my face, on my neighbor's floor on New Year's Day, but as far as the standard holiday goes, I've gotten my best gifts already. My very thoughtful and excellent boyfriend got me Seasons 1 and 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD, as well as an amazing Silkstone Body Fashion Model Barbie Doll. She's fabulous! And she has nifty lingerie and headshots. My roommate gave me a cute little purple brocade makeup bag with a tiny travel brush with a mirror on the back. My friend Scott gave me a candle that lights up a Christmas tree scene, and my friend Jae bought me a dress from H&M which I haven't seen yet.

I got my boyfriend a picture frame with a shot of us smooching at his birthday party, a T-shirt and CD from the hilarious Homestarrunner site, the Looney Tunes Visual Guide and the Looney Tunes Premiere Collection on DVD. My friend Scott got a candle with a white rose holder, Larry got a gift certificate to his favorite store, Jae got rhinestone Hello Kitty jewelry, and my roommate Candy got a foil cutter and two wine stoppers. I had fun buying gifts this year. Normally, I hate obligatory gift giving, but I just kept my list small. I felt like, considering my employment status, that no one was expecting anything from me, which made it more fun to shop. Not that I ever left the comfort of my computer, but, still.

In other news, some sicko came through our front gate, let their small dog mount our stoop and crap right on our brown doormat. It was very disturbing. I'm assuming my landlord cleaned it up, because it was raining, the stool was loose, and I wasn't touching it. It was easy enough to step over. It's gone now anyway. Why would anyone do that? Who in the house has such a perverse enemy? I know it isn't me, because I don't know anyone with a dog in the neighborhood. Very strange.

By the way, I read in an article from last year that lots of people knew about Strom Thurmond's love child for years, but neither of them admitted to their true relationship. How lame.

What else is happening?

I watched 8 episodes of Buffy today, as well as two soap operas and an episode of Smallville. I have issues. I need to have my TV taken away. Wait, I spoke too rashly. Never mind.

Saw Return of the King, the other day. It was fabulous. I had some trouble with the light tone of the ending, the heavy homoerotic tension between Frodo and Sam, and the fact that some people haven't figured out that you need to arrive early to a movie in New York if you want a seat, but otherwise, I was floored. I totally cried through most of it. Full disclosure, I totally cried while watching Buffy and Passions today, too, so it's hard to judge by me. I tend to get emotional.

Seems we're burying my mother's ashes next to her parents on Saturday. A holiday surprise, I guess.

Oh, you know what pisses me off? No, besides that. Besides that. Look, I know a lot pisses me off, you don't have to rub it in. Anyway, I hate receiving Christmas cards "return to sender." What is a person to do? God forbid someone I haven't talked to in over a year wouldn't let me know that she had moved. Ingrates.

Okay, no more screens. My retinas are fried. Happy Holidays! Maybe I'll do a Best of 2003 later in the week. If I can tear myself away from Buffy.

Recent Shocking Events

Sure, it's big news that the US captured Saddam Hussein. I'll admit that I was surprised. Good for those special forces. I know the Iraqi "government" wants to execute him, but I don't think that's such a good idea. Of course, I don't believe in the death penalty. To me, it makes no sense to punish a murderer with murder. It's basically hypocritical, and doesn't really punish the offender. At least the UN is coming out against execution, but they may have no say in the matter. I'm sure the US government will make sure to torture him until he says he had weapons of mass destruction. In the end, the most interesting part of the story to me is that they found him at all.

Now, a much more riveting story is the one about Strom Thurmond and his jungle fever. I'm just disappointed she waited until he was dead to come out with this. I would have loved to have heard his reaction. I applaud his family for acknowledging the woman as his daughter, but it's still disappointing that he supported and acknowledged her in private for her whole life, rather than in public. Also, the fact that she allowed his career to be more important to her than his hypocrisy makes me sick. I'm so glad nothing has happened to make me stop disliking Strom Thurmond. Even dead he strikes me as an unmitigated piece of shit. Way to go, South Carolina!

Oh, You Want Me to Blog?

Hey, I'm doing the best that I can. I work three mornings a week at the front desk of a music school, during which I have no internet access. Once or twice a week, I'm in a ticket broker's tiny Manhattan studio apartment, "assisting". No really, I do the filing and stuff. Every Monday, I have to put together a two set show, get gussied up, and perform. Also, I like to spend time with my boyfriend and my drinking buddies. When I am online, I'm putting together my budget, paying my bills, looking for jobs, managing my Avon business, selling stuff on eBay, reading my e-mail, checking the Survivor recap, and syncing my Palm Pilot. So, I'm not reeling with free time for blogging. But, if you insist...

OK, the requested topics were Michael Jackson, a naked samurai, Gore's endorsement of Dean, and Christmas shopping.

Michael Jackson: It's all very unfortunate, but considering that I don't figure I'll be sending my kids to the Neverland Ranch anytime soon, I really don't care if he's a child molester. I already thought he was a freak and haven't bought any of his albums. In my opinion, this is for the courts to decide. But one thing I can say, I believe that there is an extreme possibility that the case is financially motivated. However, not being privy to evidence, speculating beyond that would be irresponsible.

Naked samurai? I had to look this one up. Turns out some guy hacked up his wife in the Bronx. It's a horrible story. Then the idiot cop fired 14 times, somehow also shooting her partner. I guess she was afraid of the sword, since she was taken to the hospital for trauma. I would be freaked out, I'm sure. Blades scare the hell out of me. Just thinking about what the victim went through is making my skin hurt. Ok, that's enough of that.

Gore endorsed Howard Dean. So, the guy who couldn't get it together to win an electoral majority over George "Dumb? Yeah" Bush after his predecessor -- to whom he was Vice-President -- left office in an up economy endorsed someone for the Democratic nomination. Who cares? The Democrats are already fucked. It's like five guys who are basically the same. You want to win an election, bring in something exciting, like, say, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Or Geraldo Rivera. So Gore didn't endorse one of the reasons he didn't win in 2000. I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. Gore didn't endorse a candidate who has no chance in hell of winning? Unbelievable! Let's get set for 4 more years of war-mongering and isolationism, because the next Democrat to be President will also have the last name of a former POTUS, and I ain't talkin' about George Clinton. Although that would be so cool. The US could use some funking up. Bow wow wow yippee-o yippee-ay....

What's in for Christmas? DVDs! Everybody loves them. They're better gifts than tapes, because they seem "high-tech". Hot titles? I'd say Lord of the Rings, Matrix Reloaded, the Indiana Jones set, and TV show sets like Alias and Friends. I already did almost all of my shopping, using Amazon.com and Avon. Haven't left the house for a present yet. I hate shopping, though. Stores are too hot and you have your coat on, and there are other people (which you know I hate), and you have to carry a bunch of crap... it's just not worth it. I hardly even shop for myself. One thing to beware of are the gift cards. I just read that many of them take out fees for waiting to use them, and they put that in the super fine print. So, you think you have a $20 gift card, but if you wait 6 months to use it, it turns out to be like a $14 gift card. That's crap! You should check the rules if you go that route. My nephew wants cash, but I'm going to trick him by hiding a $10 bill in a book. Who knows what he's saving up for, but I'm not contributing to some violent video game or a stack of stroke books, that's for sure. Oh, wait, I guess I am, but not much.

OK, can I go now? I'm hungry, and I hardly ever get a chance to sit down and eat these days.

You May Live Up Oprah's Butt, But You Don't Know Shit

Dr. Phil is a moron. After he told one woman that making fun of complete strangers and enjoying it was abnormal and wrong, he told a newly married couple that their thirteen-year old daughter was right: their public displays of affection were inappropriate, and again, abnormal. Bite me, Dr. Phil. First of all, if the first woman was exercising her aesthetic values by criticizing random passersby, she's totally normal. Everyone does it. Some people just do it nonverbally. I maintain that lashing out at strangers keeps me from lashing out at my friends. My targets never know they were judged, and everyone goes home happy. Plus, I validate myself as having better taste/style/manners. All terribly healthy.

What? Sorry, I don't have time to listen to your opinion on this. I'm in the middle of something. And for goodness' sake, pull up your pants.

Then he tells a thirteen-year old that her "Ew, gross" comments about her mother and stepfather are appropriate. The audience agrees that their warm, affectionate behavior is over the top. Video clips showed them doing nothing but kissing. How can you judge their behavior out of context? Teenagers may not want to see their parents being touchy-feely (and more likely, stepchildren aren't crazy about seeing their parent and stepparent getting it on), but tough. Really! I see people smooching in public all the time. I even do it myself. If they're keeping it out of church and PTA meetings, let them have their fun. In a few years they may not want to kiss each other. Newlyweds, hell, anyone who's in love, should be allowed to PDA their brains out, as long as the clothes stay on. People who don't like it are just jealous. I know, because I have been known to not like it, when I wasn't getting any of it.

Alexia has spoken.

Windy City

I don't like wind. Generally, I find it to be beyond annoying. I blows my hair in my face, even if I have it pulled back, it blows in my ears and my nose, and it riles up all the gross stuff on the street. A nice breeze at the beach or on a warm summer day is one thing, but wind is just the pits. Sometimes I get mad at the wind. Which I knw is stupid, because how can I get mad at nature, but I'll bet people don't feel all warm and cuddly about volcano eruptions. Anyway, if you are in New York, you know that the wind here is really getting obnoxious. It's finally supposed to die down tonight. Last night, I swear I was hit by snow flurries. *sigh* It was painful walking to the subway. In ten minutes, I got sick. Hooray for wind! Not. Today I'm huddling in my apartment until the last possible moment. It's a real shake your fists at the heavens moment for me.

I'm singing at an outdoor charity event tomorrow. The wind better be manageable by then, or ... well, I don't know what, but the wind will have me to deal with!

All Hallow's Eve

So, what did you do for Halloween? I went to a raging house party, hosted by my BOYFRIEND (yes, I have a boyfriend) and his roommates. I went as Sally Bowles, "the toast of Mayfair," from the musical Cabaret. My costume was based in part on Liza Minelli's from the movie, and in part on my own conception of the character. I wore a black bob wig with short bangs and a bowler hat. I used heavy black eyeliner all around my eyes, fake eyelashes, heavy pink blush and blackberry lipstick (plus requisite mole at the right eye). I wore a sleeveless V-necked black dance leotard under my electric blue satin, steel-boned, overbust corset with four garters attached, back-seamed black stockings and my Prairie Farm boots, which are adorable. I felt fat, because I used to be able to tie the corset much tighter. And that was just a few years ago. Oh well, I still looked hot. In fact, I think I was the most scantily clad person there, even though the weather was quite warm.

What did you wear?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I have bought my first computer. It was terrifying and stressful, but I'm happy with it. Compaq Presario, CD-RW and DVD Rom, USB ports in front, 2.6 GHz, 80 GB hard drive, 256 MB of RAM. I got the tower, 17" monitor and HP color printer for under $700, with rebate, which I mailed about an hour ago. Besides being a great tool for my own business, it makes watching Buffy that much more enjoyable.

(Speaking of the Buffy DVD sets, I'm disappointed that they let Marti Noxon do the commentary on "What's My Line Pt. 1." She's awful, and ultimately ruined the show. Plus, her name sounds like that of Marni Nixon, the woman who sang for Natalie Wood in West Side Story, Deborah Kerr in The King & I and Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Don't get me wrong, I like Marni Nixon. I just really don't like Marti Noxon, and that's just one more reason for her to annoy me. Sure, you think I'm crazy now, but just try analyzing your own irritants sometime. Then we'll see who's nuts around here.)

I like the sense of power I have from this purchase. First of all, I kind of know what the hell all those numbers above mean. And I bought it, transported it home, and set it up all by myself. I get to set the security protocols, decide which programs to keep and install, pick the wallpaper and the screensaver (a scrolling marquee, red on black, that says, "I may be dead, but I'm still pretty," Buffy's memorable line to the Master in "Prophecy Girl," the final episode of Season One, after he kills her and she's revived by Xander. Heh.), set up what starts at launch, you know, all that good stuff. I've never had my very own computer before. Sure, I've redesigned the setup on computers I've been assigned to in offices, but this OS is registered to me, not some company.

I would have liked to get an HP with Athalon processor, but I just couldn't justify the cost, considering that I don't have a very steady guaranteed income. Thankfully, I also don't have any debt, so, it's not too scary. In the meantime, I will enjoy having my perky Celeron processor with my DSL connection, and I promise to blog now and then (Larry).

Easy Questions

This week's RNN Poll Questions:

Iraq: Should We Have Known Better?

Yes.

Bronx Catholic Parish Insists Wedded Gays Leave Choir: Your Reaction?

Bronx Catholics don't like homos? You don't say. Earth to married gay people: become Episcopalians. It's still about Jesus.

Is Mayor Bloomberg Doing a Good Job?

Hahahahahahahahahahaha...hoo...

Oh, um, no.

We'll Be Back After This Brief Pause...

I know I haven't blogged in two weeks, but I've been pretty busy, rehearsing for shows. The last big one is tonight. I feel comfortable about the performance, I'm just concerned about having a decent sized house. I hardly had anyone on Wednesday, although I was happy with the people I did have. What I need is better publicity. It's just hard to do it all myself.

So, next week I start working every day, although not for money every day (it's involved), so I may not be blogging again for a while. I hope you can live without me!

More Signs of the Apocalypse

What the hell is going on in the world of music? Rod Stewart releases an album of standards, with Cher and Queen Latifah doing duets? Huh? There's just so much to say about that... I can't even start.

It's My Birthday, Too, Yeah!

Happy birthday to me! It's my birthday and today I am 30 years old. That's right, I said it. I'm not freaking out about it. My biggest concern is that now I only have a limited time left to decide whether I want to go ahead and increase the surplus population. For everything else, I've got tons of time. I quit smoking, and I'm in relatively good health; even though I live in New York, I intend to be around for a while. Plus, I look fantastic for 30. Sure, that may sound vain, and it is, but this is my blog and I get to say whatever I want to. Besides, I do look fantastic for thirty. My tip: Stay out of the sun and wear SPF 15 on your face everyday. Also, drink large quatities of gin. It's a preservative!

Anyway, happy birthday to Alexia, and on Sunday happy birthday to Larue. Go Libras!

Welcome to Rocktober!

October is the best month. Not only is my birthday in it, as well as the birthdays of a slew of other fantastic Libra friends of mine, but it has Halloween, Columbus Day, and the real advent of Fall. By the way, my birthday is this Friday, and I do have an Amazon wish list.

The real reason I want to write about October is that it is time to put away the open-toed shoes, ladies and gents. Can the flip-flops (nasty things that they are on most people), the Chinese mesh slippers I've already ranted about, the Birkenstocks, the open-toed pumps, and anything else that showcases your bare feet. (Of course, this is strictly daytime advice, because a woman with a nice pedicure and very appropriate shoes for dress and occasion can get away with it at night. Still not recommended though.) For one, you have gross feet. You never get a pedicure, and that ashy big toe look has never been in. It's chilly outside, and when you wear flip-flops and a sweater outside of the beach, you look like what you are. A big dummy. And don't try to get around it by wearing hose or socks underneath, because that is just twelve kinds of wrong and you know that, so why are you trying?

Give up the ghost people. Payless is having a great sale on cute boots right now, so you have no excuses.

Open Letter to MTA Bus Riders

Dear Idiots,

When you exit a city bus through the center, or "back", door, wait until the light comes on, then press the yellow tape. This will open the doors automatically, and hold them open so you can exit without pushing so hard you herniate something and letting the doors fly back to hit other passengers. If you weren't such a bunch of mouth-breathing imbeciles, you might notice that there is a sign, at eye level, telling you to press the yellow tape before you open the door. You can even just press on the door where the yellow tape is, if you want to feel like part of the opening process. But trust me, in a fully operational city bus, simply pressing the tape will cause hydraulics to open the door for you, and hold it open for a few seconds. Guess what else! If the door is about to close, you can press the tape again to keep it open for passengers exiting behind you. Amazing, eh?

Now, I know what you're thinking, "How can I, a regular passenger, open the center door without hurtling myself into it?" I know you're thinking this because the drool from your gaping pie-hole has probably obscured the first part of this letter and you've forgotten the main point already. That's all I can figure, because it seems that anyone with half a brain would understand and remember to PRESS THE FREAKING YELLOW TAPE TO OPEN THE GODDAMN CENTER DOOR ON THE BUS!

Thanks for your attention, and see you on the bus! Jackasses.

Love,

Alexia

I Still Don't Care About Sports

They can gay up about anything these days. Now even sports journalists are coming out of the closet. Before you know it, Log Cabin Republicans will be taken seriously, rather than be sources of confused head-scratching (no offense, L). But they can't get me. You can throw gay tight ends into football, I'm still not going to sit around on a couch every Sunday watching it on television. You know what would get me to watch football? More cheerleaer shots and full coverage of the marching bands. And marching bands added to professional football. And smaller outfits for the cheerleaders. Heck, replace all the current cheerleaders with XFL girls. Weren't they all strippers? Where was I? Oh yeah, way to go Ed Gray. Glad you waited until you were close to retirement before you decided to take a stand. Of course it's a good thing, but I'll be more impressed when Mike Piazza comes out. Oh, you know he's gay. He's super-gay.

Random Notes

I love that Geico commercial with the white rapper. "Always use good manners when you're eatin' a sloppy joe-oe." That cracks me up.

I cannot abide Cottonelle and Charmin toilet paper. It leaves too much lint in my business. Give me drugstore brand TP any day.

A contestant on Pyramid who is supposedly a radio personality didn't know where Motown is. Shouldn't she be fired, or stoned or something?

Too Much Monkey Business

Well, I guess it's time to get a job. The new daytime TV schedule started today, and I have no idea what's going on. My world has turned upside down! COPS in place of Roseanne! No Married With Children! Family Feud is on FOX and I can't find Pyramid! It's all so disconcerting.

Oprah is interviewing Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and she has Beyonce Knowles in the second half of her show. Tomorrow? Madonna. Of course. Yeah, this is the woman who should be giving advice to regular women about living a better life. A life of delusion, maybe.

Fame, However Obscure

This is direct quote from Michael Musto's September 8 column, La Dolce Musto, in the Village Voice.

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More tastefully, the nouveau-claustro boîte the Slide houses a delightfully off-kilter Sunday-night talent show, hosted by saucy Shaboom Boom and judged by Clover Honey ("I'm Paula Abdul with a dick") and hilarious dinner-theater lush Lavinia Draper. Before belting her big number, the winning contestant told the judges, "I listened to your advice from last week. I wore more jewels and this time you'll know I want to fuck Nicky Arnstein!"
----

And who is that winning contestant? ME! (If you don't know who Nicky Arnstein is, feel free to e-mail me.) I freaked out when I read it. I am so flattered that one of my favorite writers, a terribly witty person, thought that I was funny enough to quote in his column. Hoo-hah!

Success, Finally

I finally figured out (with the help of my friendly sysadmin) how to update my website. It's not important what stupid thing I forgot to do; what is important is that now, I can do some updating. Click the link to the left, "Everything," to check it out.

The other night, I stopped into the McDonald's on Broadway near Astor Place, and the kid who took my order had fangs. I'm talking prosthetics. Then I took gander at his name tag. "Lestat," it read. Oh, give me a break. What a loser. YOU WORK AT MCDONALD'S! YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE! Sheesh.

And what is up with those bitchy Weight Watchers commericals, where the women try to undermine each other's self-confidence and body image? "So much for the weight loss plan." "Maybe that's why you quit your diet." Thank you, Weight Watchers, for perpetuating the image of women as spiteful, competitive, insecure cunts. Thank you, thank you.

And how are you?

Another Stupid Question

The folks at RNN have another inane, obvious question for us:

Should Parents Be Able to Choose Which Public School Their Kids Attend?

The answer: No. I mean, duh. Instead of parents choosing a public school based on what the schools has to offer (instead of children going to the geographically closest scool, which makes sense), perhaps the state's department of education could make an effort to make sure that all schools have equivalent assets. I know, it's hard to think of pulling the big bucks out of the schools in the rich, white neighborhoods and distributing them equitably among all schools, but it does make... wait for it... SENSE.

Now, if you have alternative schools, like schools that focus on arts or sciences, students apply. That also makes sense. But for your basic college prep public school, assignment should be based on geography and funding applied in a way that makes all schools equal. How hard can that be?

Open Letter To The TV People

Dear TV People,

OK, we all appreciate your efforts to pander to liberals and homosexuals and the easily titillated mainstream by bringing us such fare as Boy Meets Boy, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, It's All Relative, and older shows like Will & Grace, Normal, Ohio, Six Feet Under, and Oz. But enough with the fags, already. Where are the lesbians? Hmm? Sure, you tossed us Ellen, the Sapphic moms on Friends, and the precious relationship turned ham-handed character assassination that was Willow on Buffy, but I think we could do more to give the girls some equal time.

What? You say that you're simply developing television shows that happen to have gays in them? That the increase in the number of sympathetic homosexual male characters is art imitating life? OK, then bring on the dykes. Maybe they don't make as good television as the same old tired jokes about interior decorating and disco music, but I'm sure that a little lipstick lesbian action would boost your young male viewership. Look at the success All My Children has had with making Erica Kane's youngest daughter a gorgeous girl-kisser, dating a dark and mysterious foreign bisexual! That's good TV, people!

So, please, add more lesbians to the TV lineup. It's only fair.

Sincerely,

An Annoyed Viewer

Beyond Self-Publishing

Check out ecoops.org for my article on amateur singing in NYC. See, other people like my writing, too!

Arrrr!

Alert Reader Dave G. just let me know about an all important upcoming holiday, Talk Like A Pirate Day. Basically, on September 19, you talk like a pirate. I plan to refer to myself as Captain Jack Sparrow all day, if I remember.

Please note that on the "how to" page, there is a reference to a Singapore Sling. I would like point this out because most of the dumbass bartenders in New York look at me like I have three heads and they never passed kindergarten when I order one. The Singapore Sling is not an archaic drink, nor is it difficult to make. Get your heads out of your asses, New York bartenders! I'm not tipping you a dollar a drink just because you figured out how to mix a gin and tonic all by yourself.

You Say You Want A Revolution

You're sick and tired of reading about my exciting new life. You want to hear my thoughts on politics and the world at large. Well, I would write about those things, but I can't seem to give a fig about the California recall. Madonna French-kissing two bimbos on cable? Just the latest sign that she's over. Just like the other two.

Teenagers are doing just slightly more drugs. Of course, this article doesn't mention that those numbers have been down recently, rendering any increase a wash. Also, I would like to respond to the survey's author that I am perfectly comfortable with 1 in 4 teenagers using drugs. I would be less comfortable with a large number of airplane pilots, nuclear plant engineers or Presidents of the United States using drugs.

(OK, why am I smelling potatoes? There are no potatoes in here!)

I can't bring myself to care about Iraqi occupation, further al-Qaeda threats, Israel and Palestine peace trains or anything taking place in the Middle East. I am burnt out on world politics. No one seems to care what rational people think, and my roommate's cat is driving me batty. He just keeps meowing for no reason, and when I try to pet him he backs away, then he chases me around the apartment with his back arched and his fur standing up. What do you want, cat from hell?

Sorry.

But this is what I can think about. Gray's Papaya (a hot dog shop) on 6th Avenue and 8th Street has a huge sign (in fact, two of them) in their window praising Al Franken. If I recall correctly, it says "We Love Al Franken. We think you are 'FARE 'N VALANCE.' Can you believe those liars are from New York? Jesus Christ!" And something else I can't remember. That's all well and good. I think Fox News is ridiculous for suing Franken. But this is the same store that had similar huge signs in 1998 or 1999 that read "We Love Mayor Giuliani! We Are NICE New Yorkers!" I guess they're bipartisan . Very, very strange.

I can also say that I don't think it's funny that I had to wear a coat and long pants today. I knew I should have moved to Hawaii.

If I think of anything else that's bugging me, I'll be sure to let you know. Now I'm going to take a nap. I've been up since 6:30 am because of an audition. Like I could be a singing nun!

Helter Skelter

Sorry I'm not blogging so much, but I've been hella busy. What with all the singing and the boyfriending and the other socializing, I barely have time to cash my unemployment check, much less think of meaningful things to write for you people. Ingrates that you are anyway. You could try writing to me once in a while (not you, Jeff Z.).

So, I'm going to write an article about sing along places in New York after I take a nap and learn 8 million new songs and buy some necessary paper products and print out lyrics and blog.

Here's where I'll be. Oh yeah, I got my own show!

Mondays
Stonewall Inn
Christopher Street between 6th and 7th Avenues
8 pm & 9 pm
No cover

Sundays
Super Size Sundays @ The Slide
Bowery and Great Jones, downstairs
Random appearances!
No cover

Thursday, September 4
Cattle Call @ Therapy
52nd Street between 8th and 9th Avenues
11 pm
No cover, talent competition with cool prizes!

Sunday, September 14
Grove Stock @ Cherry's
Cherry Grove, Fire Island
3-9 pm
$20

Wednesday, September 24 and October 29
Piano Bar Hell @ Pieces Back Room
Christopher Street between 6th and 7th Avenues
8 pm & 10 pm
$5, two drink minimum

Wednesday, October 15
My Own Cabaret Show! @ Pieces Back Room
Christopher Street between 6th and 7th Avenues
8 pm & 10 pm
$5, two drink minimum

A Very Special Blossom

I'm such a wuss. I just cried because of an episode of Moesha. What can I say? I'm easily moved by very special episodes of black sitcoms. Like that one episode of The Fresh Price of Bel Air when Carlton accidentally takes some speed Will had in his locker and has to go to the hospital and Phil is angry with Will and Will cries because he didn't mean to hurt Carlton; that gets me every time. Of course, it could have something to do with the bloody mary I was inspired to make this morning, but I doubt it.

(Stoli vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire, Tabasco, horseradish, lemon juice, celery seed, fresh ground pepper, lots of ice, three green olives, and a lime wedge. Stir and sip.)

Obviously, I ditched the sick diet. You know, a bad diet is like a bad boyfriend. While you're with it, your friends are supportive and complimentary, but as soon as you get rid of it, they can't tell you what a bad idea it was fast enough. Anyway, my blood sugar got so low that I would start crying for no reason and my mood was zinging all over the place. Not worth it. I'd rather be happy than skinny any day.

I'll be at Cattle Call at Therapy (52nd between 8th and 9th) on September 4. I want to win, so come and clap for me! Also, this Sunday is the big roundup at The Slide on Bowery, which I would also like to win. If you want more info, just e-mail me at the "reach out" link above.

The Call of the Wild

Sometimes the Kavorka is a great burden. Even gay men can't keep their hands off me. Maybe I should start wearing garlic around my neck. Hey, I like the attention, but it's getting ridiculous. Whistles, cat calls, and unintelligible compliments in foreign languages are one thing, but when a big homo is sticking his tongue down your throat, you have to wonder. I guess I'm muy caliente. Or it could be the booze.

No, it's me. I'm a hottie. Oh, the burden!

Seriously. Only hot people understand how hard it is to have people pawing and leering and drooling all over you. But, I must persevere. No baggy clothing and bad hair for me. I must maintain the standard of hotness that I have previously displayed, or let down my hot sisters and brothers.

No, I'm not drunk. What are you talking about?

Where was I? Oh yes. All I'm saying is, for God's sake people, it's not cool to kiss the straight girl in the gay bar! Sheesh! How am I ever going to live that down?

What's Up?

What the hell's been going on? Well, I saw some of the HOWL! festival in the East Village yesterday, including Wigstock's glorious return to Tompkin's Square Park. That was a blast, even though I didn't get to see all of the show. A few local divas did a Laugh-In style party scene, including All-Beef Patty and Ginger from Lips, and Mirkala Cristal from Stonewall. I couldn't see it, but it was hilarious. Sample joke: "Hey Patty, what's the difference between Lady Bunny and a bucket of pig shit?" "I don't know, what?" "The bucket!" Who knew you could be that filthy that early in the day? Hooray for the East Village!

I just started doing the Induction phase of the Atkin's diet. I need to trick my body into thinking it's starving so I can jump start a little weight loss. I know it sounds bizarre, but I'm interested to see if it will work. I'm pretty good at controlling my eating habits when I want to; much better than I am at getting around to some exercise. I'm just going to do it for two weeks (I'm on day three). If nothing changes by then, I'm back on carbo-loading. I'll keep you informed.

Still not smoking. It's great. Seriously.

Great audition on Friday, and I got a new gig at a straight bar in Murray Hill. Heh. If you can tell me why that's funny, you win a low-carb cookie.

I haven't seen the news much lately, but I just realized I haven't blogged since right before the blackout. It was dark. That's pretty much it. I walked across the bridge from Brooklyn to Queens, was in a bitchy mood, and got utterly obliterated on Friday night. My freezer is so cold, we still had ice when the power came back on. I did hear Mayor Bloomberg talking out of his ass about supposed Canadian power-stealing. What a dill-hole.

Well, that's the news from Lake Wobegone via Greenpoint. If you want to see me, I'll be at The Slide tonight on Bowery and Great Jones, Stonewall tomorrow night at 8, and God knows where else the rest of the week. Kisses!

Ask A Stupid Question...

I'm all for provoking sensationalist dialogue, but RNN's poll question today is just terribly worded:

Could Iraq Become Another Watergate?

Well, let's see. Iraq is a country, the Watergate is a hotel. So, I'm saying, no. Probably not.

Or do they mean could the Iraq situation become another Watergate scandal? Again, situation in Iraq; war. Watergate scandal; political crime. So, I'm still not seeing the connection.

Could the situation in Iraq have the same consequences as the Watergate scandal? Considering that Bush's approval rating remains quite high in spite of the snafu that is the war in Iraq, I doubt he'll be pressured to resign. Or have I missed something in the past day or so? One of New York's tabloids featured a big picture of Bush cuddling his terrier today, so I doubt it.

This question sucks, but it is good for mocking.

I've Paid Enough

TheCounter.com has started charging to report my hits, and I refuse to pay for that kind of information. So, I need you, Constant Reader, to e-mail me once in a while to let me know that there's someone out there. Just drop me a line, let me know you're reading, tell me what you like about the blog, that kind of stuff. And remember, I love you.

Alexia Says

My friend Larue says that I should have a TV show called "Alexia Says." My response was that I already have my blog! Remember, everything in this blog is right, because I say so. Alexia says!

Damn Hippies

For the first time ever (and I pray the last), I agree with Ann Coulter. We should just give California back to Mexico.

Schwarzenegger? He's a pro-choice Republican married to a Kennedy who, despite his many years in America, still speaks with an often unintelligible Austrian accent. Arianna Huffington? Sure, she's smart and funny, but her anti-SUV campaign shows a radical nature poorly suited for governorship. Then there's Gary Coleman, Gallagher, and Larry Flynt, not to mention 190+ other nut-job candidates on the ballot. The recall is a stupid idea in the first place. It undermines the democratic process and just makes the country look even more out of control. Thanks California!

I Am My Own Personal Science Experiment

Since I quit smoking, I've had quite a bit of phlegm, mucus and whatnot choking me day and night. This is especially fun when I'm rehearsing. I knew that you cough a lot after you quit, but I wasn't clear on exactly why until my clever boyfriend told me. Smoking coats the cilia in your lungs with tar, which paralyzes them, slowing their rapid beating, which normally clears the lungs of debris. This is why you cough when you inhale smoke (if you're not a smoker). Since the cilia can't do their job, all sorts of crap -- like dirt and dust and pollutants -- stays in your lungs. When you stop smoking, the cilia slowly come back to life. In fact, you even grow new cilia. Those suckers start beating away again, and before you know it, your lungs are sweeping out the dirt. Thus, hacking like a consumptive whore.

Here's the thing: I'm very intrigued by this. I've been smoking for 16 years, and pretty heavily in the last 10. I know that over time the lungs can clear themselves little by little, but still, there has got to be a lot of junk in my lungs. Every day, I know they're cleaning themselves, and I can't wait to see how this all turns out. Will I be able to climb a flight of stairs without gasping for breath? Will I be able to sing better? Will it feel different? I feel like I'm my very own specimen in a science experiment. There's no way in hell I would compromise the project by having even one cigarette. Besides, I don't even want them anymore. I think my twisted relationship with cigarettes is finally over. It's too bad my mom couldn't be here to see this. Check me out: singing, not smoking, great boyfriend, terribly well-adjusted. Way to go, Alexia! Next thing you know, I'll keep up an exercise regimen and drop that extra 10 pounds I've been lugging around for the past 3 years!

Losing Their Religion

What does RNN want to know today?

Episcopal Church Elects Gay Bishop: Do You Agree With the Decision?

Well, since I'm not Episcopalian, it doesn't really matter if I agree, now, does it? Also, without knowing all the ins and outs of their religion, how on earth could I make an informed decision about the validity of the election? I will say that I'm glad the decision-makers overlooked the eleventh hour attempt to discredit the Bishop with a glaringly homophobic and -- at the very least -- exaggerated missive to the church. Way to be reasonable, Episcopal Church!

Catching Up With Alexia

Hola amigos, I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya...

Nah, just kidding. But it has been a while since I've gotten personal. Some things I just had to blog about.

Today, I'm quitting smoking. Yes, I've done it before, but they say practice makes perfect, and I've had a lot of practice at quitting. Look, I'm going to be 30 years old in two months. I'm on the Pill. I have a huge cancer history in my family. I can't smoke in bars anymore anyway. This is just it. I still support other people's right to smoke, I just have to stop.

According to the lady who felt me up this morning, my breasts and my ovaries are just fine. Isn't that nice to hear?

In other good news, I'm finally getting my security deposit back from my old apartment. I was starting to get a little worried that I would end up on Judge Judy or The People's Court, trying to squeeze $900 out of two old Italian people. But I can breathe easier, knowing "the check is in the mail." Good thing, since I had to pay $200 for being groped today and $100 to get my headshots developed. Oy, does it add up!

Still blissfully happy with my boyfriend (what do you expect; it's only been 4 months!). We saw Motorhead, Dio and Iron Maiden from the New York Times skybox at MSG for his 30th birthday. METAL! It was super cool. The free booze and food didn't hurt either.

I've been out every single night since Wednesday, and it's not going to end any time soon. So very tired. Thankfully, I have plenty of time today to take a nice nap.

And that's life in Alexia's world right now!

Reiteration of the Truth

I already expounded on this subject the other day, but RNN wants to know:

Can Any of the Democratic Candidates Defeat Bush in 2004?

I'm leaning towards "no," unfortunately, but to list all the reasons why would take some serious time, taking into consideration the long list of Democratic candidates. Actually, that's a good part of the reason right there. Too many candidates, no solid Democratic platform, and no one with enough charisma to beat Mr. Weasel-Eyes. No amount of gay daughters is going to help the Dems now.

Today's Fashion Peeve

It's true that I have a general dislike for today's women's footwear. I can hardly ever find a pair of shoes that I would buy or be caught dead wearing. Ugly toes, whether too pointy or too elfin; heels that are too short or strangely shaped or make one's calf and ankle one entity; colors and fabrics that assure that you will never find anything to wear with them; mixtures of dress and athletic styles; and cheap construction that causes the balls of your feet to start burning like you're walking on hot coals after about two blocks of foot travel.

But one of the worst things about women's shoes is the trend. When a style of shoes becomes popular (or Sarah Jessica Parker wears them on Sex and the City), you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some poor fashion victim sporting the latest hideous trend. Currently, I hate those mesh chinese slippers with the sequined embroidery. First of all, if you want to wear house shoes, stay in the house. Secondly, I really don't want to see your whole toe covered by pink mesh. It nauseates me. Third, when you and your friend are wearing the same shoes, the same style skirt, and the same stupid top with your bra straps showing, it's time to get a personal sense of style. It's strange that a pair of shoes could so infuriate me, but I'm easily irritated by ubiquity.

Next thing you know, people will be wearing white shoes after Labor Day. Look, white shoes are hardly ever a good thing, but in the fall, they're just tacky. I don't care what anyone says about fashion changing, some things are just right. And stop wearing sheer black stockings in the daytime, stockings with sandals, and knee highs with skirts. You look stupid.

So says Alexia.

Hooray for Self-Imposed Segregation!

RNN's E News Rundown poll question for today:

Gay High School: Good Idea or Waste of Money?

Now, everyone knows I'm a fan of all things gay, but I can't support gay high school. Just like women's and black colleges, learning institutions that manufacture a false society don't do anyone any favors. All adolescents struggle with sexual identity, and it's important to see differences in one's everyday life. Segregation, even that which is self-imposed, breeds a sense of superiority and/or intolerance of the "different" that flies in the face of any civil rights movement.

Besides, if all the gay boys are in their own high school, what will all the fag hags do?

Bushfire

What exactly is wrong with George W. Bush? How does he have the nerve to ignore established black groups like the NAACP? Sure, he's giving a speech to the Urban League, but he's still not sitting down with them. He may be the president, but he needs to climb down off his high horse once in a while. He's obviously afraid of having his policies confronted or challenged. And now, making a speech before the Urban League, just to draw support for his 2004 campaign; that's just appalling.

The real kicker is, that the Democratic candidate with the most support is Jewish, and I have strong doubts about the US electing a Jew to the highest office, even in 2004. If Hillary threw her hat into the ring, she'd have more support, but she's already said she's not up for it. Gephardt may have a gay daughter, but this is really his last chance to get non-Missourians to know who the hell he is, and he hasn't been very successful so far. So, it looks like, barring some unforseen campaign acrobatics on the part of the Dems, that we'll be stuck with Hayseed W. Moron until 2008. Wow, I can't wait to see what happens in the unstable Middle East region during that time! I'm on the edge of my seat!

Happy Birthday, You Freak

Tom Robbins celebrates his birthday today. He may or may not be 67. Tom Robbins is one of my all-time favorite authors. I'm really looking forward to his new book, Villa Incognito. Look at this, when I write about Tom, I come off like a moron. Check out this brief excerpt:

It has been reported that Tanuki fell from the sky using his scrotum as a parachute.

That is not so ridiculous when we take into account the unusual size of Tanuki's scrotum.

Happy birthday, Tom. You rock and roll and take no prisoners.

Oh, Fox, You Devil

I saw the funniest show on Sunday night. It's called Banzai, and it's a parody of Japanese game shows. At first I thought it was offensive, because the announcers have very thick accents, but you know what? It's just funny. It's very fast paced, and you don't even think about changing the channel. This show would be a lot of fun to watch with a group, because you bet on what the outcome will be, like, who can fetch a stick in the water faster, Todd Bridges or a dog? Or, how long will Bill Murray let a reporter shake his hand on a red carpet? It's awesome.

Another Fox show I caught last week was American Juniors. I didn't catch the whole thing, but I saw enough to know that each of the contestants is more talented than most of the contestants on American Idol. Plus, Gladys Knight and Debbie Gibson are judges! Unfortunately, Ryan Seacrest is on it, (and looking more gay than ever) but what can you do?

Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number

I just realized that Kobe Bryant is only 24 years old. His wife, Vanessa, whom people are calling a poised and elegant woman, is only 20. Who are these kids? Who gives a 24 year old a salary that allows him to buy a $4 million ring? I can't begin to imagine that kind of life. When I was 24, I was living in a crap apartment in Corona, Queens, making $22 K a year, up to my eyeballs in credit card debt. When I was 20, I was in college. I was a child! Yet Vanessa is married to a millionaire basketball player who has admitted to cheating on her and is being charged with rape. It's just too strange.

Communication Breakdown

I was out shopping yesterday when I heard about the shooting at City Hall. When I got to the bar around 4:30, they had it on TV. The story I was hearing was that someone let off 20 rounds, the guy who did it got away, and that it was considered to be random. How the hell does that story jibe with the actual story? If the whole thing went down at ten after two, how could they not know by 4:30 what had actually happened? Way to go, local news. And if this was a story fed to them by City Hall, what was the point? Were they embarrassed that Councilman Davis signed his own death warrant by skirting metal detectors with some apparent weirdo he'd just met two weeks ago? Did they want to wait to reveal that a police officer had done his job because theycan never be sure if NYPD officers are playing with a full deck?

A New Low For Broadcast News

So there I am, watching TV, and all day it's nothing but "special reports." Breaking news! Saddams's sons might be dead! Also, Pfc. Jessica Lynch is coming home! Also, Celia Cruz's funeral procession is going down the street! Hey, Saddam's sons are dead! Wow! Good thing you told me now. I sure couldn't have waited for the evening news or tomorrow's paper for this important news. There's no way I would have wanted to go about my day without this vital information. And what would I do without the new, flashy graphic on ABC, "Sons of Saddam"? How would I know what the story was about? The worst was when CBS, ABC, NBC, FOX and ABC had all finished their "special reports" on the confirmation of the deaths of Saddam's sons, UPN comes on with "breaking news"! Huh? This ain't news anymore, fools. How dare you interrupt Family Feud for a minutes-old story?

Old People Get All The Breaks, If Not The Brakes

What the hell is up with this old man, plowing into dozens of people, killing nine of them, and getting off scot-free? That really disturbs me. Sure, he's old, but it's still some kind of vehicular homicide. There has to be some penalty, even if the car malfunctioned. Someone has to send a message to the old people of the world to stay off the road and get a bus pass. Where are the ice floes when you need them, eh?

The Onion Tells My Future

The sad part was, I started nodding when I hit the part about buying stamps.

Things The Government Doesn't Want You To Know About

You may not know this, but New York City has brought back curbside recycling for plastic, and glass will be back in April of next year. Haven't seen anything about this on the news? No posters in your building's vestibule? Of course not! The city says it can't afford a similar publicity campaign to the one they used to stop plastic and glass recycling, just one short year ago. Oh, really? It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that Mayor Bloomberg is embarrassed that the action he pushed for, under the auspices of saving the city money and finding better ways to recycle, has been recinded? Sure, they say it's due to a "better recycling program," but if the mayor had really created such a program, why is there no fanfare? He desperately needs some good press, and this would be it. What's the deal?

Speaking of our less than illustrous billionaire mayor, one of his least popular policies will be challenged on Thursday, July 24. There will be a rally in front of City Hall at 1 pm to protest the smoking ban. Now that it has been in effect for a few months, the city has seen its ill effects, and I predict there will be a bigger turnout than at previous protests. Bar owners who did not speak out before are becoming increasingly concerned with this bogus law. Even non-smoking patrons have seen the negative effects of this radical "solution" to secondhand smoke. Residents have been subjected to crowds of smokers on the sidewalk, and they can't be happy. What are the problems? First, the aforementioned crowds on the sidewalk. Some bars try to keep them under control, put out ashtrays and have bouncers shush the patrons, but that's not only annoying, it's not widespread. Second, when someone wants to go out for a smoke, but they still have a drink, there are a few things that can happen. You leave your drink on the bar and the bartender watches it or puts a napkin over it, you either lose your seat or piss off incoming patrons who stare at your empty stoll for ten minutes, wondering if you'll ever come back, and finally, take that chance that someone might slip something in your drink. This is no good. Not to mention, bars are having problems with people falsely claiming that their drinks were bussed while they were smoking, scamming free drinks; underage kids are sneaking in with the smokers, and people are just skipping out on their tabs with the old, "just going outside for a puff" line.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: "No more fucking ABBA." Oh, wait, I mean: tax breaks for bars that voluntarily go non-smoking, and for bars that install better ventilation systems. This way, there's a choice for bartenders, making the workplace non-discriminatory. Ta-da! Alexia for mayor!

By the way, since the smoking ban, I smoke just as much and have less fun. Woo-hoo, way to go, Mike.

What Makes You Happy Isn't Always Good For You

Balance is hard. I had the most amazing weekend with my sweetheart, but I forgot to go to my unemployment insurance meeting, and I overslept this morning because I was freaking out about it. I need to balance. I need to get the things on my list done.

But I did have a fantastic time on Sunday. We went to Coney Island and did a little bit of everything. We lay out on the beach for three hours, has a couple of beers at Ruby's, ate hot dogs an corn on the cob, rode the Wonder Wheel and the Cyclone, played Skee-ball, and saw two guys ride motorcycles inside a spherical metal cage with a lady standing in the middle. Then we had dinner at a nice Indian restaurant in Manhattan. It was lovely. I haven't been this happy in a long time, and I don't want to let a little bit of stress get in the way of it. So I'll just get what I need to do done, and enjoy the rest.

Getting To Know You

My friend David sent me one of those chain e-mails where you tell your friends things they may not know about you. I've done a bunch of these, and don't remember which of my friends I've sent them to, but I don't want to disappoint David. So, I'm sending him my responses and posting them here. If you want to pick up the chain, my e-mail address is alexia@narcissa.com. In the meantime, here's some boring personal information about me.

{Okay, here's what you're supposed to do ... and try not to be LAME and spoil
the fun! Just give in. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it
into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all of the answers so that they
apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING
the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of
little known facts about your friends. It is fun and easy.}

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?

Alexia Christine Henke

2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?

Blue, light blue, gree, light green, red, orange and white striped (horizontal)

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

Saved By the Bell coming from the TV

4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

9272, which I think is fun to play with. You know, 7 plus 2 is 9, and there are two 2s, etc... It gets weirder with the other numbers.

5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

a slice of key lime pie

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Magenta

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?

72 degrees and sunny, according to AOL. I haven't been outside today.

8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

my boyfriend, two nights ago

9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE (OR SAME) SEX?

body language

10. HOW MUCH DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?

thiiiiiiiis much! although we don't see each other very often.

11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

post-weekend morose

12. FAVORITE DRINK?

Dr. Pepper

13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?

Tanqueray and Tonic

14. FAVORITE SPORTS?

none, because everyone says rhythmic gymnastics isn't a sport

15. EYE COLOR?

green hazel

16. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

occasionally

17. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES:

sister 37, sister 36, stepsister 31, stepsister 28, brother 27

18. FAVORITE MONTHS?

October and July

19. FAVORITE FOOD?

beef, in almost any way, but especially filet mignon

20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Pirates of the Carribean

21. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?

my birthday

22. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?

Almost, it takes a lot of preparation

23. SCARY MOVIE OR HAPPY ENDINGS BETTER?

scary movie

24. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Definitely summer

25. HUGS OR KISSES?

can't I have both?

26. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?

relationship, please, I'm too old for all that funny business

27. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?

twist, and throw in some strawberry

28. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?

Sure!

31. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?

Roommate, no doors, and a cat

32. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?

Ugh, none at the moment

33. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Oriental rug design

34. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?

Trivial Pursuit, Original

35. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?

had Indian food with my boyfriend, took the train home and watched "Fakin' It" on TLC with my roommate until 11 pm

36. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Stargazer lilies, Coppertone, chimney smoke, barbecue grills, and frying chicken

37. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

Who am I? Where am I? What time is it?

38. WHAT WAS YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE CONCERT?

The Artist, 1997, Jones Beach
followed by Pink Floyd, 1993, Vanderbilt Stadium

39. IF YOU COULD ONLY LISTEN TO ONE MUSIC CD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT
WOULD IT BE?

Prince, Hits and B-sides

The Right Opinion

I just read a review of Pirates of the Carribean that was very negative. I really enjoyed the movie. Could I be wrong?

Maybe it's an anti-Disney thing. To wit, the reviewer describes the movie as an "F/X-rattling Disney feature based on the Disney theme-park attraction and founded on the Disney notion that American character is best strengthened by exposing children to the horrors of computerized skeletal buccaneers." That just seems biased to me.

I didn't go into the movie expecting more than a fun flick about pirates, and that's what I got. I don't know what the reviewer was expecting, but "A boom-blast-blare score by ''Gladiator'' cocomposer Klaus Badelt proves that if suspense takes place without drums and horns to announce it, it don't mean a thing" sounds like the writing of someone who doesn't like action films or pirate films at all. I also didn't feel cheated or ignored the way the reviewer did: "There may be nothing more fun for actors than experimental exaggeration, especially when filming on a Caribbean island. But there's nothing that makes an audience feel less welcome than not being in on the joke." Huh? You're talking about Johnny Depp, here. And Bruckheimer and Disney. I saw a film about pirates that used pirate movie conventions, some slightly anachronistic jokes (but thank goodness, nothing outright out of place) and actors who acted like you want pirates to act. Sure, Jack Sparrow is eccentric, but the characters openly note that in the film, so where's the sly wink?

My biggest beef was that the girl never got sweaty or dirty (one forehead smudge doesn't count) and her manicure was perfect.

I recommend the film, for fun. See it in the theater, because it's loud and flashy and exciting. Plus, Johnny Depp looks so much better on the big screen.

Crazy Dreams

OK, these were weird. I dreamed I was trapped inside a store full of non-human humanoid creatures that were not very smart, but could communicate. It reminded me of Day of the Dead. It so happened that it was a toy store, and everyone was dressed up in costumes and playing with toys and fooling the creatures into following them around. The idea was to draw them out and distract them for some reason. I was wearing a big dress and hat with a feather in it (I saw Pirates of the Carribean last night, but I was supposed to be Cinderella, there was a whole lot of dialogue here that I don't really remember, except that it had to do with fooling the creatures and names), and a teddy bear back pack with a little boom box in it. I also had a horse head with a stick in it (you, know, the plush toy?) and I was riding the horse around the store. Finally, I saw my chance and I dashed out the door and ran down the street.

Then the street was full of people who seemed to be in pain from my presence. One woman was kneeling on the ground, clutching her head and making warding off gestures toward me, so I threw my horse at her, and it came apart. I was sad, because I liked the horse. Other people with toys were throwing them away, and I realized that for some reason, toys were hurting people. I ducked into an electronics store with a toy store in the basement, and they were identifying and collecting toys. I ditched the hat and the dress (I was wearing my white tennis dress underneath), but the store guy said I could keep the backpack because it was functional and wouldn't hurt people.

In my next dream, I was Jasmine Guy in the 50s. I was also a convicted murderer who had survived hanging and been set free. However, I couldn't deal with life on the outside world because I was crazy. So I killed someone else so I could get the death sentence again. The judge and the doctors all loved me, because even though I was crazy and a killer, I was beautiful and sad and sympathetic. Before they hanged me the second time, I gave all my jewlery (my fire opal ring, charm bracelet and watch) to some young girl who was a friend. The noose came down and I held it around my neck and then there was just white and the sound of my own thoughts saying that I just wanted to die, please let me die, and then there were people saying "Hold on, Stop!" We've got her back!" and I was alive and very unhappy about the fact. The judge said that since I had such a tendency to survive or come back from hanging, that they were going to try this new fangled injection. All my jewelry and personal effects were on his desk. Then I was in the doctor's office, and he was explaining the procedure to me and my family. For some reason, I was sitting on a ledge above him and I had my foot on his leg. I was terribly despondent. The next thing, I was back on the street and realizing that I had somehow survived the injection and escaped from the morgue, but this time the auhorities didn't know. I ran into a pretty blond woman in a black dress and high heels and I told her my story. She suggested I not tell the police and start all over. I was upset that I wouldn't have my ID and personal effects. Then I realized that she was a dominatrix from something she said, and we went to a strange bar.

Later, there was a gay pride march coming out of my friends' house, glass tables, sex wih my boyfriend, my brother with weird flavored jelly beans and me going back to jail with the 20 pounds of jelly beans.

Beat that for weird!

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

If you have ever been called a geek, or consider yourself a geek, do yourself a favor and take this test. It's hilarious. I am 25.24655% geek, otherwise known as a Total Geek. I'm so proud!

Ego TV

Spike Lee has seen the light. Of course, you must have heard that in an effort to remain in the public's immediate consciousness, Spike Lee attempted to block the renaming of TNN to "Spike TV." Well, it seems that Spike has settled his case, probably due to the fact that several other Spikes had come forward to join the case in a class-action suit, damaging his credibility. director Spike Jonez, the late Spike Jones' estate, Spike the dog from "Tom & Jerry," and James Marsters & Joss Whedon (for the Buffy character "Spike") have all laid claim to sole use of the name. OK, that's not true. But wouldn't that be cool?

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

Is this the summer of celebrity death or what? Since June 11, the following celebrities have kicked the bucket: Gregory Peck, David Brinkley, Katharine Hepburn, Buddy Hackett, Barry White, Buddy Ebsen, Hume Cronyn, and Leon Uris (author of Mila 18, which forced Joseph Heller to change the title of his book from Catch-18 to Catch-22; just a bit o' trivia for ya). Also, universally reviled Senator Strom Thurmond finally did something nice and shuffled off his mortal coil. More celebrities died this June than in any other month this year! It's just a little weird.

I'm not holding out much, ugh, hope, for Bob Hope to make it past August. And Regan's just hanging on there by a thread as well. It's time to join your local celebrity dead pool, people. It's not morbid, it's just life.

More Surprising News

Adult conjoined twins who decided to be separated died on the operating table. Wow, who could have predicted that? Just another reminder that just because they'll do the operation in Singapore, it doesn't mean it's a good idea.

A Star Is Born

Okay, so maybe that's an overstatement, but I had the most amazing show last night. I'm singing on Monday nights at Stonewall Bar in Greenwich Village, and last night was my first official solo show. At 8 pm, I was ready to go, but as I got on stage, the microphone failed, and we had to stop the show. I had a feeling there was just a knob that needed to be turned, but we had to have the sound guy come, all the way from Queens, to find which knob it was. Finally, around 9:15, the sound was fixed, and I went on.

I was doing several new songs, some of which I had just finished learning that afternoon. I was very pleased that I remembered most of the lyrics, and everytime I forgot them, I feel like I covered very well. The feeling of being up there, in the light, with everyone looking at me, was very powerful. I always get that vibe when I'm on stage, but I haven't been on stage for that long, by myself, before. I loved it! Everyone was so supportive and complimentary, I wasn't able to self-deprecate, which is a nice change of pace.

If anyone is in the area, please come on down Monday nights at 8 pm. No cover, 2-for-1 happy hour, and smoking! Stonewall is located on Christopher Street, between 6th and 7th Avenues, on the same side of the street as The Duplex.

Set List

Set 1
"Boy From New York City"
"Que Sera, Sera"
"Downtown"
"Leader of the Pack"
"Everything's Coming Up Roses"

Set 2
"Frank Mills"
"Fever"
"Harper Valley P.T.A."
"Walkin' After Midnight"
"Stand By Your Man"

Criminy

So I don't check my e-mail for three weeks, and I'm greeted by 1705 new e-mail messages, 99% of which is spam. Hooray. I heard recently that even Bill Gates is tormented by spam. Now you know it's a problem.

Can't stay on long, but the big news is that I have a weekly gig at Stonewall, Mondays at 8pm and 9 pm. Singing, that is. More musings after I get my DSL line set up at home. Then no one will be safe from my ranting, mwahahahahahahaha!

Passings

I a moment of poor judgement, I let my TV stay on Jimmy Kimmel's grotesque excuse for a talk show for a few minutes last night, and I learned that Gregory Peck had died. Before I had a chance to reflect on what a fine actor he was, Kimmel was mocking him by showing film of him on Michael Jackson's carousel and joking about it. What a pig. That didn't get a lot of laughs, but I was disappointed in the lack of boos. What an ass. Gregory Peck was a true Hollywood star, the likes of which we rarely see anymore.

Also, David Brinkley passed away on Wednesday night. ABC News did a very nice tribute to him. He was 82 years old. Maybe Rather and Jennings could learn a few things from his old tapes.

A Tentative Hooray for Friendster

I was reunited with an old friend, but the bugs still haven't been worked out. More as the situation develops.

My Life Is A Musical Theatre Cliche

I woke up this morning at 2:53 am after having a really bad, scary dream. I was reading a Stephen King book and as I was reading it, it was coming true. I even read it three times to see if it would change, but it didn't. It was post-apocalyptic, but it involved people running through the woods trying to escape from monsters who were eating them. Very stressful and scary. I mean, these big Sasquatch-type things were eating people! Anyway, I was happy to wake up, but I was very tired. Everytime I almost fell asleep, I would fall back into the dream, and I didn't want to! I couldn't call anyone to talk me down, and I was too tired to get up and watch TV. So -- and don't laugh, at least not to my face -- I started singing "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music so I would fall alseep to happy thoughts. I had to sing that thing (in my head) four or five time before I nodded off. Thankfully, no more nightmares. I guess I really am soothed by the thought of cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels. Who knew?

Friends... How Many Of Us Have Them?

My friend Abby invited me to join Friendster.com, just a couple of short days after I read about it in Next, NYC's second best homo weekly. According to Next, it's a great way to meet guys through your friends rather than chatting up some hustler in Yahoo!'s "Uncut Pinga" room. They did concede that the creators of Friendster say that there are plenty of straight folks in the database, too, but you only see people to whom you are connected by a friend, so the guys at Next only saw... well, you get the picture. It's cute. Lots of people, though. I'm connected to 7404 other folks! Talk about six degrees of separation. One caveat: it may be the connection here at the ever-more expensive internet brothel, but pages are taking a long time troload, and I keep getting bumped back to the sign-in page. Maybe it's insanely popular and more than the Friendster server can handle, but if that's not fixed soon, I won't be feeling too friendly.

I Want My Internet!

How happy are you right now to see that I've posted today? I know how you sick kids crave my contradictory and salacious ramblings, but I've been without internet access for a little while because of my employment situation and my lack of a land line. So here I am at easyinternetcafe, working on a cheap ass keyboard with a sticky space bar, trying to hurry up and do all my web-related activities in but one short hour, after standing in line for twenty minutes waiting for the ticket machine to become available. Blogging is hell, I tell you. How did I become so dependent on the Internet? Without e-mail, how did I know what parties to go to? How did I domy banking and pay my bills? And how, oh how, did I express my unsolicited opinions? Well, just because it's not easy, I'm not giving up. I need the Internet, and it needs me.

What else is going on? I still don't know where I'm going to be moving at the end of June, but I'm hopeful. Next weekend is the annual Mermaid Parade in Coney Island, and my little bro happens to be in town then. The weekend after is Gay Pride weekend, followed by the move. I've filed for unemployment benefits, which should keep me from freaking out until I can start temping.

But enough about me. (Well, personal subjects anyway.) A couple of weeks ago, I filled out a questionaire from The Advocate about assorted subjects of interest regarding gays. As a gift for filling out the card, I got a trial subscription. Because I am a dedicated Fruit Fly (TM), I thought that would be just fine. I got the first copy in the mailtoday,and it was wrapped in opaque plastic. I found that to be bizarre. I didn't know they did that sort of thing anymore. I'm certainly not worried about my mailman knowing that I'm reading The Advocate. Sure, some people may wish for some discretion, but I think it should be offered as an option, not a given!

Spam has been breaking my time bank here at the cafe,so if you want to write to me,and I may not recognize your name, please write "blog" somewhere in the subject line. Thanks!

Hmm, what else...

Go see The Play What I Wrote ASAP. I missed the Tonys, but if it didn't win anything (and even if it did) it may close soon. It's hilarious and I recommend it highly. My friend Dave described it as "Monty Python meets Carol Burnett." A Must See.

OK, next time I'll write down some musings beforei get here so I can blog with more efficiency. Until then, keep on reaching for the stars,or at least another gin and tonic.

The End of the Line

Wow! Am I in a good mood or what? After two weeks of waiting and stressing, it's finally over. I feel relaxed and calm, especially because I got my severance in one lump sum. You know what that means! Unemployment, bay-bee! Plus, no freaking about having the money to put down a deposit on a share.

So, I'm feeling fabulous. My skin is better than it's been in nearly a year, I'm all a-shimmer with Nivea reflecting skin cream, my hair is down, my cleavage is showing, and I'm wearing sandals and a skirt. It's going to be 80 degrees today. I even tied a tiger print scarf to my purse. It's an Elle Woods-thing. I have these fantastic sunglasses that are big and black and have sparkly rhinestones in the frames. Funny how a little personal grooming can make you forget your troubles.

But it's over. No more stuffy old people and their family trees. No more cheap board of trustees who don't think it's important to clean your drapes more than once every twelve years. No more brick walls. No more daily commute from hell. At least not this one. I'm so ready to go, right now.

But I'll stick around. They want to have a little get together to show me how much they'll miss me. There better be food or cash, that's all I'm saying.

Today's a day for deleting personal files, filling up floppy disks, trashing old magazines, changing passwords, deleting cookies, changing voice mail, scamming office supplies. Today's a day for tying up loose ends and taking twelve cigarette breaks. Today's a day for early happy hour and much rejoicing. (yay!)

Today rocks!

Close, But No Cigar

I was down with the idea of the all-boy version of The Bachelor, but then I read that some of the potentials will be straight! What the fuck? You can't have a "straightforward" gay dating show, there has to be some opportunity for humiliation? Because what else is it when you set a guy up, tell him all the guys he's choosing from are looking for the same thing he is, then flip the script and give a cash prize to the guy who can fool him? It's bogus, and I find it very self-hating on the part of the gay producer. But what do I know? I'm just a chick living the straight life. According to the creatprs, I should be eating this shit up with a spoon.

From Vegas Wedding to Online Divorce

If marriage was taken a little more seriously, I might not be so opposed to it.

You know You're In Trouble...

When rich people think your tax cut stinks. The other night I saw Warren Buffet, looking like any old retired guy in a cardigan and polo shirt, talking to Ted Koppel about Bush's tax cut. He mentioned that he could get back $3 million on his stock dividends with this cut, but what would that do for the economy? He said that he would just invest it, while you could give $1000 to 30,000 American families who would actually spend it, which is what helps the economy. He was all talkin' in the lay terms and being Joe Regular guy. He stressed that a true tax cut comes with a cut in spending, but laughed at the idea (not because it's impossible, but because no one would ever let it happen). I think I love him. Yes, ours is forbidden love, but he made me understand something about taxes and the economy and for that he will always be in my heart. Alexia + Warren 4 Eva!

I'll Have What He's Having!

Because it sounds like it's something really good...

Home of the Blue Jays and Deadly Viruses

Sure, 1,700 students have been quarantined, but Toronto is still a very safe place to visit. Come one, come all to Outbreak, Canada.

Look, I like Toronto. I know many people from Toronto. But I still wouldn't go there now if you paid me. That SARS is some resilient stuff. I don't want to get anywhere near it, nor any surfaces or people that have been near it. So, let me know if you've been to Toronto lately; we'll have a nice chat over e-mail.

Hello, You Have Reached the Offices of God...

So, the producers of Bruce Almighty are feigning innocence over using a real telephone number in their film. I'm sure they never gave a single thought to all the free publicity they would get by not using the standard 555 exchange. Universal Pictures would never do such a thing! It was an honest mistake. They had no idea people would call the number, making prank calls or true confessions to God. It was purely a coincidence that the number reached a radio network that is creating a contest around the whole debacle. Big, big coincidence! Silly movie studio! Next time, they promise to think ahead. They're new at this whole thing. Oops! Sorry!

Spooky!

Super 70s was about to play "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" by Vicki Lawrence, and choosing not to make myself sick, I switched to Classic Rock, which is playing "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band. Weird!

Losing It

I'm depressed and scared and confused. I'm worried that I'm doing the wrong thing and that I should be more responsible and just get a regular job so I can be safe. I'm scared to death. I'm more scared than excited. That makes me depressed. I wish I could talk to my mom about this. That also makes me depressed. I come to work and "So. Central Rain" by R.E.M. is on the radio, and I almost burst into tears. What saved me? Switching to Super 70s and hearing "Makin' It," sung by the erstwhile Dr. Pepper spokesman (spokeswhistler?) and American werewolf in London, David Naughton. Alert readers will recall my fondness for a certain little film called Midnight Madness (the mother of all scavenger hunt movies), which was Naughton's film debut. How could I not love this guy? So, thanks, David Naughton, for the brief reprieve.

New York Observations

Dr. Zizmor has a new subway ad. I had just been thinking about how I hadn't seen a "Dr. Z" ad lately, and there he is, Jonathan Zizmor, MD, "Board Certified Dermatologist" with his lovely, hatted wife, praising New Yorkers for their courage and offering new blemish treatments. You go, Dr. Z!

Park Avenue could really use some crosswalk lights. It's nerve-wracking!

There are a lot of blind people walking around midtown. I'm thinking that it's because the area is strictly on the grid and easy to get around. Whatever the reason, I've seen more blind people in the last 9 months I've worked in east midtown than I have in all my previous years combined.

Blah blah blah. Soon I'll be blogging a lot less.