The Wearin' O' Your Own Vomit!

Yes, kids, today is Saint Patrick's Day, the day people of Irish ancestry, so long as they're not gay or Protestant, celebrate in the name of some guy who drove out the snakes that time. Also a traditional day for inexperienced binge drinkers to go all out, otherwise known as "Amateur Night." Other Amateur Nights include New Year's Eve, Mardi Gras (or any holiday in New Orleans), Halloween and college football Saturdays. Now, being one-quarter Irish Catholic and a semi-pro binge drinker myself, I have the undeniable right to go out and tie on a little alcohol poisoning, but the good sense to go to karate class this evening instead. If I wanted to join the crowd I would have started back in kindergarten. I prefer to take the "fuck the mainstream" approach to life. Bleach my hair in the winter and dye it red in the summer. Wear legwarmers without irony. Stay the hell home on St. Patrick's Day, that sort of thing.

So, wanna be like Alexia, kids? Of course you do! Then decrease the surplus bar population tonight and do something else Irish. Like clog dancing! Or that other thing. What can I say? You can't get much more assimilated than the Irish. Except for the German. God, I'm white.

Sorry, digression. As I was saying, if you must join the foam-hat-adorned, naughty-button-wearing, reeling masses this evening, I have one humble request. Don't drink the green beer. You should respect your liver more than that. God knows what it's gone through for you.

Oh yeah, and that New York parade? Fuck those guys. If it's a parade about ancestry, than that comes first. Irish is Irish. Hell, Heritage of Pride lets cops march, and that's not been the most savory group for the New York gay community. Well, let those old micks have their parade. Just because ILGO isn't marching with them, they must be pretty dumb if they think there aren't quite a few homos marching side by side with them. Watch out! Those queers are sneaky that way! Just like those herbs.