This Pop-Up Book Has Been Rated NC-17

Madonna is writing children's books. Now, I read some of her past work, in Sex, and of course, there are her lyrics. The bitch can't write. I can see it now...

[wavy dream sequence]

Madonna sits in her Versace rocking chair, a Gaultier afghan draped over her knees (which are folded into the lotus position). Little Lourdes and Rocco sit before her, rapt, having been taught from birth that their mother is, in fact, the Messiah. They know she can't be human, because when she speaks, her voice sounds so very odd, almost like a glorious melange of all the world's accents. God bless these little children.

Anyway, after making sure the light isn't highlighting her lengthening crow's feet, Madonna begins to read from her book.

"In a secret garden of the heart, there once lived two bunny rabbits who would never part. Although he constantly abused her, Mopsy Rabbit was chained to the side of Flopsy Rabbit by a twisted kind of love. She knew it wasn't right, but her father had never shown her the kind of love she needed after her poor, sainted mother died, so she turned to Flopsy. She knew that his controlling and manipulating ways were just his way of showing love, and she loved him back for it. She felt so strong, because she knew the Kaballah and also had rejected the Church of her youth.

"Mopsy also understood the importance of self-love."

At this, Madonna displays her illustrated pages to her progeny, glowing with a pride so delusional that it nearly burns their retinas. Unfortunately, the children do not go blind, as their eyes grow wide at the picture before them. Their mother is a revolutionary artist, you see, and she chooses to push the envelope, go beyond conventional methods of writing and illustrating for children, critics be damned. What Madonna does not know is that most children, even her own, are not ready to see Mopsy the little white bunny clutching a Hitachi Magic Wand in one paw and skinhead lesbian in the other.

[wavy dream sequence]

Yeah, I'm picturing it something like that.