Honey, Have You Seen My Keys?

Somebody stole the keys to heaven. That's pretty badass, right there. I don't even believe in heaven, but I still don't think I'd have the balls to defile a statue of St. Peter in Vatican City, you know? Cree-pee. Like, why would you steal that? Witchcraft? Divine visions? Ransom? I bet Jessica Fletcher could solve that one pretty fast. In at least an hour.