Kissing Adrien Brody

Oh, momma. If I was never jealous of Halle Berry before, I sure am now. Fellas, that's how you kiss a woman. Tape Access Hollywood tonight, and study that smooch. It was enough to make me forget about Colin Farrell's very presence on the stage earlier. Look, I'm not some giggly girly-girl, but that Colin Farrell just smolders in place. Surely he's an arrogant, semi-literate actor boy (shut up, it's what I have to believe), but sometimes it's just not about that, you know?

What else? Obviously flesh-tones are in. Diane Lane and Halle were both sporting purty dresses that made them appear naked, and Bloomingdale's has windows full of the nude look. I do hope that Marcia Gay Harden isn't inspiring anyone to bring back aquamarine, yeeesh. Sean Connery and his frills... all I have to say is, I would have liked it better had it been paired with a kilt. Michael Moore without a baseball cap, but still with a big mouth, god bless 'im. Kudos to Mrs. Tim Robbins for her pointed looks and delivery (and great dress!). Steve Martin, honey, if you don't like the joke, don't read it off the teleprompter, 'kay? And don't dis Secretary if you know what's good for you. The BDSM scene has whips and they know how to use them.

I guess I'll have to get out there and see Chicago one of these days, but I'll probably get to Bowling for Columbine first. Peter Jackson got screwed this year, but just wait for the 2005 Oscars. I predict that Return of the King will kick some Hollywood booty.

Selma Hayek, as the singing guys on the subway say, "Smile! It won't mess up your hair." If Diane Lane is dating Josh Brolin, would that make Barbra her future step-mother-in-law? Nicole Kidman seriously needs to take a couple of Ativans before the ceremony next year. I didn't understand anything she was talking about! And then her dress just fell apart before our very eyes... ah, this is why they get paid the big bucks, not for the acting, but for the public humiliation.

Major props to the Academy for giving Oscars to Eminem and Roman Polanski. After last year's out-of-control PC-fest (Denzel? Please. And get a shave.), it was a welcome surprise. Kathy Bates is amazing, in general and as an Oscar presenter. Michael Douglas and Harrison Ford need to suck it up, lay off the Grecian Formula and get hair cuts. Guess what guys, YOU'RE OLD! It doesn't matter how young your date is.

The big question is, how can these people make these mistakes? Don't they hire people to tell them how to look good?

Oh wait, the big question is probably something about war, but I was distracted by the shiny foreheads and overtight bodices and forgot what it was.