Perspective

I started to note that I hadn't hit the weblog in a while, when I realized I just did it Wednesday. And that isn't that long ago. Some new people are reading the blog, and I'm pleased to find that some like it and others want to kill me for my anti-Bush stance. It's important to be incendiary. Also, hey, I know that no man is ever going to agree to cut NASA spending. I have yet to meet the guy who doesn't retain adolescent fantasies of visiting other planets or solar systems. Maybe it's Barbarella, maybe it's just the phallic nature of rocket ships, but boys won't let the space thing go. If we spent as much time and money trying to fix the problems here on Earth as we do trying to escape it, we'd have much less reason to want to leave. I don't get the whole exploration jones, though. I mean, I know men like to find new places and kill or enslave all of the inhabitants to compensate for their small penises or premature ejaculation or whatever their problem is, but give it up on space, already. Try exploring American slums to kill viruses or enslave minds through education. Something, anything but more money spent to send people up on some cosmic roller-coaster ride. What has the space program taught us that enriches our everyday lives? Anything? Theone thing I can think of is that Kennedy made a committment to get to the moon, and it so inspired the government that it was done. What kind of committment matches it today? If we made a similar scale committment to stopping HIV, could we do it? Maybe we should try that. Or say, a moon-project scale committment to provide reasonable healthcare to all Americans. I know it's all very exciting, the space thing, but people don't even watch the shuttle launches on TV anymore. In our lifetimes, we will not see Star Trek style space exploration, not even Enterprise style. What's the point? You guys won't evenlisten to me. Too busy clutching your girlie mag in one hand and your model rocket in the other. Bah.

In A State (of the Union)

Full transcript of last night's address.

"I am proposing that all the income tax reductions set for 2004 and 2006 be made permanent and effective this year. And under my plan, as soon as I have signed the bill, this extra money will start showing up in workers' pay cheques. Instead of gradually reducing the marriage penalty, we should do it now. Instead of slowly raising the child credit to a thousand dollars, we should send the cheques to American families now. This tax relief is for everyone who pays income taxes - and it will help our economy immediately. Ninety-two million Americans will keep - this year - an average of almost $1,100 more of their own money. A family of four with an income of $40,000 would see their federal income taxes fall from $1,178 to $45 per year."

OK, so what programs will we be cutting to make up for this fantastic tax relief? (Cut NASA) Personally, I'm not that concerned about my income taxes. (Cut NASA) I pay taxes for government programs. (Cut NASA) I want the programs.

"We also strengthen the economy by treating investors equally in our tax laws. It is fair to tax a company's profits. It is not fair to again tax the shareholder on the same profits."

What's this "fair" and "not fair" nonsense? Why isn't it fair for investors to pay taxes on their income? Oh, I see, it's not fair for rich people to have to pay for their extra income. I see. Because most Americans aren't really seeing stock dividends, are they?

"I will send you a budget that increases discretionary spending by four percent next year - about as much as the average family's income is expected to grow. And that is a good benchmark for us: Federal spending should not rise any faster than the pay cheques of American families."

I can be fair, too. This is a reasonable sentiment.

"Our second goal is high quality, affordable health care for all Americans... These problems will not be solved with a nationalised health care system that dictates coverage and rations care... Health care reform must begin with Medicare, because Medicare is the binding commitment of a caring society."

I don't agree with this so much, because Medicare is fairly new. Sure, it's important, but it's not where we should start. Medicaid reforms, medical liability reform (which he does mention at the end of this section) and the cost of pharmaceuticals, medical equipment and medical education are the places to start.

"Our third goal is to promote energy independence for our country, while dramatically improving the environment."

*choke*

"I have sent you Clear Skies legislation that mandates a 70% cut in air pollution from power plants over the next 15 years. I have sent you a Healthy Forests Initiative, to help prevent the catastrophic fires that devastate communities, kill wildlife, and burn away millions of acres of treasured forest."

I haven't heard about the Clear Skies bill, but the Healthy Forests Initiative is forest thinning. Like I trust a bunch of paper-company loggers to modestly thin out a forest. Besides, wildfires are nature's way of thinning the forests. Maybe folks should stop building houses in known wildfire areas.

"Tonight I am proposing $1.2bn in research funding so that America can lead the world in developing clean, hydrogen-powered automobiles."

This will never happen (on any large scale) as long as oil companies have lobbyists in Washington. This is just lip service, and Mr. Artic Wildlife Refuge Drilling should be ashamed of himself for pandering to the more gullible Americans.

"For so many in our country - the homeless, the fatherless, the addicted - the need is great."

Oh yes, the poor fatherless. What will we do about the fatherless? Christ!

"Americans are doing the work of compassion every day - visiting prisoners, providing shelter for battered women, bringing companionship to lonely seniors. These good works deserve our praise... they deserve our personal support... and, when appropriate, they deserve the assistance of our government."

Of course, when appropriate, meaning when it aligns with the agenda of his "faith-based" Crusade.

"Another cause of hopelessness is addiction to drugs. Addiction crowds out friendship, ambition, moral conviction, and reduces all the richness of life to a single destructive desire."

Spoken like a man who knows. Wait, can't ambition be considered a single destructive desire? What is this country's percentage of citizens addicted to drugs? I mean really addicted, not just casual users (which the Bush administration would never recognize, but still). And what about alcoholics? Please Uncle George, fewer platitudes and more facts.

"Our nation is blessed with recovery programs that do amazing work. One of them is found at the Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. A man in the program said, 'God does miracles in people's lives, and you never think it could be you.' "

Ah, no wonder! All drug addicts are God-less heathens!

"I ask you to protect infants at the very hour of birth, and end the practice of partial-birth abortion. And because no human life should be started or ended as the object of an experiment, I ask you to set a high standard for humanity and pass a law against all human cloning."

Way to address these subjects so briefly, so as not to antagonize the Liberals. What a wuss. "Partial-birth abortion" is a knowingly inflammatory term. I'm not for it, because a woman should have enough support to know before her third trimester whether or not she wants to have a baby, but the fact is that many women in this country are so afraid of confronting the subject of abortion that they wait until the last moment and panic. I'd bet less strict state standards and more education would naturally reduced the number of third trimester abortions. Let's fund a study, shall we? And, I'm tired of talking about cloning. Christopher Reeve trumps GW any day of the week.

"The American flag stands for more than our power and our interests. Our founders dedicated this country to the cause of human dignity - the rights of every person and the possibilities of every life. This conviction leads us into the world to help the afflicted, and defend the peace, and confound the designs of evil men."

OK. I agree.

"In Afghanistan, we helped to liberate an oppressed people... and we will continue helping them secure their country, rebuild their society, and educate all their children - boys and girls."

Whether or not they want us to.

"In the Middle East, we will continue to seek peace between a secure Israel and a democratic Palestine."

Huh? What do those adjectives imply? And is "forcing one nation's dominance" the same as "seeking peace"? Wait, I forgot, this is 21st Century America. Of course it is.

"As our nation moves troops and builds alliances to make our world safer, we must also remember our calling, as a blessed country, to make this world better."

Ahem. "Blessed"? Blessed by whom? Oh, he's getting me started.

"We have confronted, and will continue to confront, HIV/Aids [sic] in our own country. And to meet a severe and urgent crisis abroad, tonight I propose the Emergency Plan for Aids [sic] Relief - a work of mercy beyond all current international efforts to help the people of Africa. This comprehensive plan will prevent seven million new Aids [sic] infections... treat at least two million people with life-extending drugs... and provide humane care for millions of people suffering from Aids [sic], and for children orphaned by Aids [sic]. I ask the Congress to commit $15bn over the next five years, including nearly $10bn in new money, to turn the tide against Aids [sic] in the most afflicted nations of Africa and the Caribbean."

I don't know if it's the BBC or the White House, but AIDS is an acronym and isn't spelled as if it's the second part of a brand-name elastic bandage. Anyway.

I think this is a great idea. I'd like to see an outline of the plan. I wonder if it includes safer sex education, empowerment for women, and a way to convince certain African leaders to accept Western medicines, because all of that has been a big problem. I wonder if new HIV/AIDS prevention programs in the US will include reasonable sex education in the public schools, or if the fantasy of abstinence among teens will still be the party line. Thanks for more of your tokens, Bushie, although I'll whole-heartedly take this one.

"And this nation is leading the world in confronting and defeating the man-made evil of international terrorism."

Versus those nature-made evils of, um, AIDS and wildfires. Okay.

"To date we have arrested, or otherwise dealt with, many key commanders of al-Qaeda... All told, more than 3,000 suspected terrorists have been arrested in many countries. And many others have met a different fate. Let's put it this way, they are no longer a problem for the United States and our friends and allies."

George Will noted this last night on ABC, and I have to agree with his assessment, which was, and I am paraphrasing: "What the fuck?" Oh, so Dubya is admitting that we have summarily executed, without arrest or trial, suspected terrorists? Even if he's not saying they're dead, what the hell is he saying here? I demand to know. We should all demand to know. How many innocent people have been detained or killed? This is ludicrous.

"We have the terrorists on the run, and we are keeping them on the run."

Not this again.

"One by one, the terrorists are learning the meaning of American justice."

That's some scary shit, right there. That's not my idea of American justice, as outlined in the Constitution of the United States, amended.

"I ask you tonight to add to our future security with a major research and production effort to guard our people against bio-terrorism, called Project Bioshield. The budget I send you will propose almost six billion dollars to quickly make available effective vaccines and treatments against agents like anthrax, botulinum toxin, Ebola, and plague."

OK, I don't want to get the plague. I'm cool with that. Have we cut NASA yet?

"The FBI is improving its ability to analyze intelligence, and is transforming itself to meet new threats."

What does that even mean? Hiring actual smart people?

"Throughout the 20th Century, small groups of men seized control of great nations... built armies and arsenals... and set out to dominate the weak and intimidate the world."

Dude, didn't that happen, like many hundreds of years ago, a few times? Let's see, the Ottoman Empire, the Holy Roman Empire, the British Empire, MTV...

"Whatever action is required, whenever action is necessary, I will defend the freedom and security of the American people."

Hey, is Bush finally going to serve in the armed forces? No? Oh.

"Throughout the 1990s, the United States relied on a negotiated framework to keep North Korea from gaining nuclear weapons. We now know that the regime was deceiving the world, and developing those weapons all along."

Oh, was the Effa-Bee-Eye in charge of that one, too?

"The North Korean regime will find respect in the world, and revival for its people, only when it turns away from its nuclear ambitions. Our nation and the world must learn the lessons of the Korean peninsula, and not allow an even greater threat to rise up in Iraq."

But, wait, then there is a bigger threat now in North Korea, yet Iraq is the country we may go to war with? Um, whuh? Is this just a case of Bush picking a fight he can win with little difficulty and no mushroom clouds?

"From three Iraqi defectors we know that Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several mobile biological weapons labs. These are designed to produce germ warfare agents, and can be moved from place to place to evade inspectors. Saddam Hussein has not disclosed these facilities. He has given no evidence that he has destroyed them."

OK, finally I get it. They have proof that he did have the WoMD. He can't prove that he got rid of them, nor will he give up their locations. Are you telling me that we need to launch a whole war to arrest this guy for violating a peace treaty? Is that how it works? If so, there are major flaws in our peace treaty policies. Which brings me to the question -- and this isn't 43's fault, but 41's -- why didn't we depose Hussein in 1991?

"Iraqi intelligence officers are posing as the scientists inspectors are supposed to interview. Real scientists have been coached by Iraqi officials on what to say."

OK, that's kind of funny. Fucked up, but I can see a great John Candy/Eugene Levy skit in the making. Poor Hans Blix, the whole thing must be very frustrating. But I bet if they gave the inspectors more time, they could uncover those weapons and hey, presto! no war.

"The only possible explanation, the only possible use he could have for those weapons, is to dominate, intimidate, or attack."

So, why do we get to have them again? Because we're not "evil"?

"Imagine those 19 hijackers with other weapons, and other plans - this time armed by Saddam Hussein. It would take just one vial, one canister, one crate slipped into this country to bring a day of horror like none we have ever known."

God, I love fear-inspiring propoganda. Smells like Berlin in the morning.

"Some have said we must not act until the threat is imminent."

Well, at least tangible, I mean, come on. Why would Saddam be stupid enough to attack us, even through terrorists, when he has to know even the slightest hint that he would attack us would get a nuke dropped on his ass?

"This dictator, who is assembling the world's most dangerous weapons, has already used them on whole villages - leaving thousands of his own citizens dead, blind, or disfigured. Iraqi refugees tell us how forced confessions are obtained - by torturing children while their parents are made to watch. International human rights groups have catalogued other methods used in the torture chambers of Iraq: electric shock, burning with hot irons, dripping acid on the skin, mutilation with electric drills, cutting out tongues, and rape."

This is so inflammatory. All true, I'm sure, but what does it show? Hussein likes to prey on the weak, pick easy fights. I may be completely wrong, but he's like a bully. Isn't there another way to depose him, punish him for violating our treaty, than to take out American vengeance for September 11 on Iraq? I don't think parachuted sandwiches will assuage the citizens of the country if they see war from us again.

"And tonight I have a message for the brave and oppressed people of Iraq: Your enemy is not surrounding your country - your enemy is ruling your country."

Wow, that's exactly what I say to peace-loving, civil-liberties-enjoying, free thinking Americans!

"Tonight I also have a message for the men and women who will keep the peace, members of the American Armed Forces: Many of you are assembling in and near the Middle East, and some crucial hours may lie ahead. In those hours, the success of our cause will depend on you. Your training has prepared you. Your honour will guide you. You believe in America, and America believes in you. Sending Americans into battle is the most profound decision a president can make. The technologies of war have changed. The risks and suffering of war have not. For the brave Americans who bear the risk, no victory is free from sorrow. This nation fights reluctantly, because we know the cost, and we dread the days of mourning that always come."

Reading this, it seems so patriotic and understanding. Listening to it last night I felt my skin crawl. It was like he was speaking empty sweet nothings to all veterans and servicemen and women, assuring them that they're the top, they're the Tower of Pisa, for risking their lives for their country. And who can disagree with that? No one (except for very misguided anti-Vietnam protesters of the past) blames the soldier for following his or her orders (unless you're Eichmann, of course). I was chilled by the easy way he spoke of death and war, even though he never has and never will see it. God willing, I won't either, but I don't pretend it's a glorious thing.

"If war is forced upon us, we will fight in a just cause and by just means - sparing, in every way we can, the innocent."

Who is innocent? Just the ones without guns? Does that make our soldiers guilty as well?

"And as we and our coalition partners are doing in Afghanistan, we will bring to the Iraqi people food, and medicines, and supplies... and freedom."

Again, whether they want it or not. By the way, his broad, grinning face at the last word gave me the utter creeps.

"In two years, America has gone from a sense of invulnerability to an awareness of peril... from bitter division in small matters to calm unity in great causes."

In two years, Democrats were so afraid of harming their re-election status that they shut up for fear of offending the American people's sudden patriotic fervor. Republicans ran over them like the doormats they became. That's the translation for the ironically impaired.

"America is a strong nation, and honourable in the use of our strength. We exercise power without conquest, and sacrifice for the liberty of strangers."

Liar! Liar! At the very least, deluded!

"The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is God's gift to humanity. We Americans have faith in ourselves - but not in ourselves alone. We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving God behind all of life, and all of history. May He guide us now, and may God continue to bless the United States of America."

Do I really have to say it? Thank you for disenfranchising all of us who don't believe in god, or don't believe in your God, or don't believe in an intervening god, or don't believe that God cares two shits about the United States of America as a nation of men. Thank you for continuing to Christianize a country plagued by religious discrimination and hatred. Thank you for making us all look like a bunch of Bible-belt bumpkins.

And can they please hold their freaking applause until the end of the speech? It's just ridiculous. I wouldn't have seen any of the speech at all but that it ran six minutes long. I chose to watch an all new episode of Smallville instead. Thanks, WB! Too much Bush on TV makes this vein pop out in my forehead and I worry I'll have a stroke if I watch a whole hour of him. Sure, I'm biased, sure he read the speech off a teleprompter, so it was grammatically correct, but the little I did see of him... I just don't trust this guy. He scares me. And what scares me even more is that some people like him. Half of the people voted for him. People of America, deliver us from George Walker Bush.

New York, New York

Sometimes the regional news is the sickest. What the hell was going on with this family? Double murder-suicide? Did the mother kill the baby and the man kill the mother, then himself? Was it actually a triple homicide? Is Queens directly to blame?

You think 911 is a joke in your town? Check out our fabulous operators! Kids go out on a boat in freezing weather. Kids get in trouble. Kids call 911 and nothing happens. What's the problem? "Long Island Sound" isn't in the computer. Oh well! Guess it doesn't exist! Guess nobody's really drowning! Who wants a doughnut?

[On a side note, who the hell cares if Pete Rose is still gambling on sports? He's an adult, it's legal, and he's been banned from baseball. What was he supposed to do, become a priest? Besides, everyone knows that even if Pete bet on baseball, he never bet on the Reds to lose, which would be the only truly unethical bet he could have made. Give our boy a break. He deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Let me see Bud Selig try for 4192 hits!]

It's absolutely disgusting that New York State allows rapists to be prison guards rather than forcing them to be prison inmates. What the hell kind of message does this send to the female inmates? How can someone who is being abused by their captors ever be rehabilitated? These guys should be sent to Rikers, where they can find out what it's like to be trapped in a cell and sexually violated.

And finally, if you're trying to intimidate through vandalism, at least learn how to draw your chosen symbol of hate. Neither the newspaper nor the TV news mentions this, but I've seen pictures of these spray painted swastikas, and they're backwards. If I have a sick and twisted pet peeve, it's that vandals are constantly drawing the Fascist swastika wrong. And how do they know whose car they're spraying? Sloppy work. This says to me "ignorant teenagers" rather than "hate-filled terrorists." (It's still bad, though.)

More Vindication for Me

I've been saying for years that people who walk down the street talking on their cell phones don't look where they're going -- in fact it would be difficult to carry on a conversation while doing so. My friend disagrees, saying it's the same as talking to a person next to you. Now some fine scientists from Utah are finding that drivers who use cell phones, get a kind of "tunnel vision" while talking. This totally jibes with my observations of pedestrians on cell phones. Often, they are looking down at the sidewalk, and not looking around or taking notice of other pedestrians or vehicle traffic. Of course, this is true of most of the self-absorbed nincompoops wandering around the city streets, but I have much more trouble with the talk-and-walkers. When, oh when, will people just accept that I am always right?

High Risk of Everything

First, I've got eight kinds of cancer in my immediate family, now I'm a candiate for heart disease! I regularly sleep for more than eight hours (even though I schedule myself for less). Maybe I need to hire a maid to wake me up and carry me into the shower. Couldn't I get my health insurance to cover it as prevention?

Speaking of illness, I've been blowing my nose so much that my philtrum is chapped. And I'm still too cheap to buy some cold medicine.

My Hands Felt Like Two Balloons

You know that kind of sick where your head is all stuffed up and you feel like you're on medication but you haven't taken any? Dude, maybe it's the fact that I have to breathe through my mouth, but I think this cold has shaved off IQ points. At least it seems to have warmed up a bit. That could be the coffee, of course.

Somebody Call OSHA!

The boiler in my office building went kaput on Sunday, and it's colder than a witch's tit in here. Add to that my newly developed head cold, and you've got Tissuepalooza on my desk. These are unacceptable working conditions. And the radio station keeps playing 80s Chicago and Michael McDonald. How much torture am I expected to take?

Speaking of torture, Alias was amazing last night. [Note: If you've never watched Alias, this is going to make no sense to you, so skip to the next paragraph.] Sydney Bristow may be a physical bad-ass (shooting out a plane window then crawling to the parachutes to escape the crashing plane), but she's no mental match for Arvin Sloane. What an evil guy. Oh sure, we all thought Sloane was rattled, what with the being forced to kill his own wife because she knew too much. We thought he was a fool for trusting Jack and not realizing that the Bristows were double agents (and could Jack be a triple agent? who knows?). But no, he played us the whole time. He played the Alliance, Sydney, the CIA, everyone. And he used Sark to do it. Now, Anna Espinoza has assumed Francie's identity, just when Francie got a little happiness. Too bad she ended up witha bullet in her head on the floor of her very own restaurant. Sloane knows everything. But what's his agenda? Does he have it in for the Bristows or just the Alliance? Does he want the Rambaldi artifacts or does he want Irina Derevco? And what about Dixon? Will he ever forgive Sydney for letting him believe he was working for the good guys? Will the unwitting soldiers of SD-6 be folded into the CIA or arrested? And where will sodium pentathol come ito the mix? Sydney and Vaughn kissed! And it was good! Way to go, JJ Abrams.

Enough of the spy ranting. My nose is leaking and my fingers are little typing icicles.

Good Morning, World

Well, Salon has gotten all uppity about free information, so I'm switching to Google for my news. If I had a nickel for every action I took based on "the principle of the thing," I'd have a nice pocketful of change. Today's most compelling (to me) headlines?

In vitro fertilization is being linked to cancer. Sure, it's just a preliminary finding, but I'll bet we hear more about this.

Nell Carter died yesterday. Gimme a break! I loved her!

OK, somebody help me out here. The United Nations isn't just around to rubber stamp its members' declarations of war, is it? Isn't the idea to come to diplomatic resolutions to conflict? Wouldn't you assume there might be some disagreement on what the resolution should be? Why is everyone so shocked that Germany and France aren't kissing Secretary Powell's ass? I'm starting to really believe that things would run a lot more smoothly if all politicians and world leaders were either women or eunuchs. That's right, you heard me. I'm proposing political castration across the board. Maybe without all that testosterone fuzzing up their brains, these guys could accomplish logical thought.

Sheesh.

I Can't Breathe

I can't breathe because of the infection in my lungs. I can't breathe because people keep trying to take away my alone time. I can't breathe because the air is so cold it freezes my sinuses. I can't breathe because I'm being converged upon by earnest suitors. I can't breathe because my e-mail is choked with spam and party announcements and my phone won't stop ringing.

I just want to run away from it all. No wonder the bears hibernate in the winter.

Dear Mr. President: You Suck

I can't believe that son-of-a-bitch used MLK, Jr.'s Birthday (observed) to promote his faith-based agenda. Also, I hate him. I'm so mad, I can barely think of what to write about how much he bites it. What is he thinking with these mixed messages about affirmative action? How is increasing spending to Historically Black Colleges any more fair than the University of Michigan's admission policies? Isn't it a conflict of interest for the executive branch to make suggestions to the Supreme Court? Doesn't he know that it's "discriminate against"? Besides, how the hell are we discriminating against faith in a way that injures the cause of race relations?

Please, please, please help get his opponent elected in 2004, for the sake of all thinking and even the oblivious Americans.

I Had a Really Weird Dream Last Night

In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday (observed), and inspired by the Moslem tradition of reading the Koran throughout Ramadan, I read "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" and an article about King by James Baldwin yesterday. I also watched some television and was concerned by an ad promoting remembrance of Dr. King's legacy. It ended with the supertitle "Dream." I'm no civil rights expert, but I'm sure Dr. King wouldn't be one to say his message could be boiled down to the word "dream." Maybe "act." Or "perservere." But dreaming is a state of inaction. Everyone knows, dreamers aren't doers, and Dr. King was a doer. He scorned the inaction and silence of the white moderate more than the abuse of the Ku Klux Klan. He believed non-violent direct action was the way to negotiation and change. He may have had a dream, but it should not be his dream that defines who Dr. King was to the civil rights movement and to America. His actions should be that definition.

I invite you to actually read "Letter" or The Autobiography of Malcolm X or Anne Moody's great book Coming of Age in Mississippi so that you can get a less diluted picture of the movement and the real stuggle than the modern media paints today. I'm appalled that I was taught the mythologized story of Rosa Parks as a child. Why couldn't they just tell us the way it was: Parks worked with the NAACP and knew exactly what she was doing when she refused to give up her seat. I find that story much more inspiring, as the story of a politically motivated woman who knew that a boycott was close at hand and that she might just spark it. That's courageous. That's a woman who is working for change, not just accepting the status quo but being too darn tired to stand up.

I remember when I was in college, and Spike Lee's X came out. All sorts of black kids on campus were wearing the ball caps with "X" on them. Alex Haley was a trustee of my university, so our professors were always happy to make us familiar with his work. I read Autobiography when I was a frehman, and it stunned me how many kids in their "X" hats didn't know the first thing about the man except what Spike wanted to show them. Ignorance of our nation's history, especially the history of civil disobedience for the greater good, is nothing to be proud of. In the current political climate, it's dangerous to be so ignorant. Once again, apathy and acceptance of the status quo are our enemies. Who will start talking today?

Say it Ain't So, Joe!

Mock me if you will, but I've been watching this Joe Millionaire, and I've been enjoying it. Unlike The Bachelor(ette) or all the other "find a mate" shows, this one is intentionally funny. The real host is an hilarious Aussie named Paul Hogan (not that one) who plays (is?) a butler. They make the gold-digging contestants shovel manure and pick grapes. The fake millionaire is really big and stupid and hot. But the girls are even more stupid. Take Amanda, who felt that since another girl was dominating the conversation, Evan (the fake millionaire) will never get to find out how cool she is. That's just retarded. I can walk into a room, never talk to more than three people, and everyone there will know how cool I am (the answer: very). Plus, I wouldn't sit there and let some bitch-ass MoJo prattle on for the whole train ride. Sheesh.

[Dude, Netscape Radio Awesome80s has played three Prince songs in less than three hours. I love them.]

Then there's the asshole who already has a boyfriend and can't speak French to save her life. If the other women had any self-respect, they would have served her up to the producers on a silver platter, or at least short-sheeted her bed. I wish I had known about this show. I can do all those outdoorsy things, plus teach Evan how to read. Did I mention that he's hot? Sure, he's got a lot of eyebrow, but that's okay.

Seriously, there's nothing else on TV on Monday night; check out this show. The best part is the epilogue, where Paul sits in his wing chair, snifter of brandy in his hand, a la Masterpiece Theatre and makes fun of the whole thing. This is refreshing reality TV!

Ooh La La, Chanel

A water main broke in my neighborhood today, so I had to take a different route to work. There I was, walking down 57th Street, checking out the windows of the fancy stores, most with names I've never heard, then Burberry, Jil Sander, then, ohmigod, look at that dress! I stopped in my tracks to stare in the window. The dress had a white, gauzy off-the-shoulder bodice, a underbust-corset-style waistline and a brown patterned skirt with a handkerchief hemline. It was so pretty. Then I focused in on the belt and the little logo I'd seen before. I backed up and realized I was looking in the window of Chanel. I know that to some people, that's not a big deal. But to me, Chanel has always signified the best in fashion. The classiest, the fanciest, and the most French. It also reminds me that I live in New York, you know, because you get used to it after a while. Sometimes you have to walk two blocks in a different direction to appreciate it. Wow. Chanel. I could never afford to walk in there. I'm so glad I wore my good hat and my cute boots today.

More Notes to Self

1) I never do this, but I found myself using my super-big sunglasses to surreptitiously read the paper over my neighbor's shoulder on the train this morning. Leona Helmsley is a homophobic bitch. Her attorney is also a moron. He actually tried to get the plaintiff to define "fetish" as the "sexual compulsion to dress up in leather." Well, that may be a fetish, but it sure ain't the definition of "fetish." If it were me, I would have said, "A fetish? Isn't that a small object used in tribal religions?" Or, "You know, counselor, it's like when you go home and try on your wife's underwear!" Idiots. The Daily News coverage was better, but their site is offline at the moment. It was so biased in favor of the plaintiff. In that paper, I read that Helmsley's attorney actually described the plaintiff's goatee as a "satyr" and that he grew it as a part of the leather thing. The paper said the plaintiff looked at the lawyer "with incredulity." I thought that was pretty funny. Considering how much leather, staying in New York and tickets to the Black Party cost, I'm sure having some of the attendees as guests didn't hurt the hotel too much, especially since they don't have any testimony that other guests complained. It also cracks me up that The Queen of Mean would be afraid of a leather man. That's just strange.

2) "Bloomingdales says that mini-skrts are back. What, are they kidding me?" Dude, you do not do a four window display of super-short black mini-skirts when it's 20 degrees (Fahrenheit, even) outside. I can't imagine ever leaving the house with bare legs again, so I'm really not in the mood to buy a mini-skirt. Plus, I don't think I really have the legs for a straight mini-skirt. An A-line or circle skirt is a different story, but you have to have very skinny thighs to pull off one of those straight micro-minis, and that sure isn't me. How did they do it in the 60s?

3) Walking down Christopher Street this afternoon, I pass two guys carrying a boom box that's playing some relatively inoffensive dance music. They're talking about La Escuelita and I'm wishing I was them. Then I pass a guy who's talking into his hands-free cell phone (creepy!), and he says "Why would anyone still carry around a boom box?" Now I can see why this guy, who is obviously a slave to gadgetry, sees a boom box as an unwieldy music source with less than ideal sound quality, but the act of carrying around a pumpin' boom box isn't one of personal listening enjoyment. If it was, kids would have given them up as soon as the Walkman came out. Carrying a boom box is an act of defiance and power. I can't believe that guy didn't understand that at all.

I wanna live in the Village, dammit! I can't believe I'm totally priced out of the area in which I really belong. Bollocks.

Note to Self

I just found the voice memo feature on my cell phone, and I love it. It's like having a mini-recorder for my random thoughts. Now, when I'm sitting on the couch, expounding to my television set, I can record a reminder to address the subject in the blog! Who needs a home computer? Let's see, what special things did I think of last night...?

1) "Dragnet's back, and Harry Morgan never looked so good!" Hmm, I guess you'd have to have watched the original to get that, but I do, and that's what counts.

2) Ok, you may or may not have heard about this case, in which a woman, who was caring for her cousin's children while the cousin was in jail, hid the dead body of one of the children and locked the other two in the basement. A lot of people are blaming DYFS, the New Jersey Department of Youth and Family Services, for not following up on the children. Last night on the news, case workers from DYFS held a conference wherein they complained how difficult it was to do their jobs properly with few cars, cell phones, or computers and such heavy caseloads. One case worker ended her comments by asking any of the attending if they would please sign up to be foster parents, which would also help them. I have a lot of sympathy for these case workers. Being a social worker isn't a glamorous or often rewarding job. They need these things to help them do their jobs. One case worker, a man, was on the verge of tears describing how futile it is to try to watch out for these children without the proper tools. I was glad to see them defend themselves so well. It's unfair to pin so much blame on a watchdog agency. The ultimate blame goes with the perpertrator.

OK, more later, I've got a tasting to go to. I love this part of my job!

It's Just Too Easy

I love a slow news day.

Just because he didn't have an affair with a porn star, that doesn't mean he's straight!

With Janeane Garofalo and a recycled ad from 1964, how can the peace movement lose?

Have you seen my watch?

Come on, how hard is it to get into the University of Michigan Law School?

Go Alexia! It's Your Birthday!

The Onion commemorates the year of my birth. Oh yeah!

30th Anniversary Of 1973 Commemorated
WASHINGTON, DC—Across the U.S., ceremonies have already begun to commemorate the 30th anniversary of 1973. "No one who lived through 1973 can ever forget it," said singer Tony Orlando, unveiling a plaque Monday on the National Mall reading "1973: 1973-2003." "From Richard Nixon's second inauguration to Billie Jean King's defeat of Bobby Riggs, 1973 was a special year that will be celebrated all year long." The U.S. Postal Service announced plans Tuesday to observe the milestone with a paisley stamp trumpeting "30 Years Of 1973."

Holy Crap!

Oh, nuts. The Pope and I agree on something. Thankfully, it's just the one thing.

Won't Get Fooled Again

My question is why the hell are they invading people's homes and computers rather than tracking down the people responsible for the websites and the source material? People who are innocent of ill intentions or any crime are stigmatized by this kind of arrest. You don't shake the mantle of "suspected pedophile." Just ask Michael Jackson. Pedophilia is also a tricky thing. Age, background of source material, intentions -- these things blur the line between actions that can be prosecuted by the law and what can only be prosecuted by the Thought Police. What do you do when a copy of the Sears Catalogue or family photos can be used the same way as nefariously conceived pictures of children? Can you arrest someone for looking at a picture and becoming sexually aroused? Should you?

What about those "Barely Legal" stroke books with 18-year old girls who look barely 15? That's not considered pedophilia, is it? That's a "teenage girl" fetish, right? I sure don't know. Unlike the wise-as-Solomon judges of this fair land, I don't know obscenity when I see it. I know what's obscene to me, but I sure as hell can't answer for other people. You know, all those other people with their different brains, value systems, backgrounds, intentions, and experiences.

How come people who use cigarettes are getting reparations from the cigarette manufacturers, but people who look at child porn are being arrested while the makers go largely free? Maybe not the best analogy, but what can you do?

P.S. If you think I'm advocating child pornography, you may want to try learning how to read.

All The Best People Have an X in Their Names

I like this Hans Blix fellow. It's astounding; he speaks rationally and intelligently. I actually understand what he's talking about. The only thing I'm not clear on is how you give evidence of something that doesn't exist. Like, I could say, "well, I had an apple last month, but I ate it and threw the core in the compost heap." How can you prove that? I suppose that weapons of mass destruction (WOMD), leave a little more behind when they're destroyed, but danged if I know what it is. Still, it's heartening to hear someone (besides Sheryl Crow) advocating a peaceful resolution to this situation. Too bad nobody's advocating the old "Disarm the US" codicil.

That's Sort of Personal, Dontcha Think?

I posted a personal ad on the internerd. I did it once before, in 2001, but I didn't get many responses, and I scared off the one boy I actually made a date with. For some reason, I'm getting more responses now, and the people want to print my ad in one of their crazy papers. So they gave me five free credits. I have no idea what I want to do with them. I also don't know what the etiquette is for responding to someone's note. I mean, is it completely rude to just ignore someone if you check out their profile and you're not interested? I would think writing "thanks, but I'm not interested" would be more disheartening.

I don't even know why I'm doing this in the first place. I guess I just want to branch out. If anything interesting happens, I'll let you know (although I know some of you don't care. "Get to the ideology!" you say. Hmph.)

Speak of the, erm, Devil

Good old Scalia. I understand what he's saying about democratically changing the Pledge of Allegiance (even though democratically electing the president wasn't a big deal to him), but when he starts in on "God" being part of the American tradition, and that being a good reason to keep it that way and not misinterpret the Constitution, he irks me.

It's important to note, though, that conservative Christians, the people who want America to be a Christian country, vote. I hope that the rest of us are voting, too, otherwise, we get what we deserve. Often I think that maybe I truly am part of a very small minority of people who don't want to live in a country that plays by the rules of the New Testament. Look at our government; it doesn't exactly reflect the image of a group of progressive thinkers. I'm not very politically savvy myself, but I know that I have to vote, to educate myself on the candidates and the issues at least enough to make an informed decision. So many people think their vote doesn't matter, they give up on being a part of the democratic process. That stinks, because voting on a local level does help to change what happens at the top. Even those folks who just vote for president are missing the boat. Your vote for Senator or Representative informs the presidential election and thus the appointments of the Supreme Court. So we get Scalia and the upcoming scary conservatives Dubya is sure to appoint. Then where will our separation of church be?

Oy, What a Lost Cause

I'm sure Joe Lieberman really wants to be president and maybe even believes it could happen. But I highly doubt it. He didn't really endear himself during the Gore campaign, and he's Jewish. Sure, he'll win New York and Florida, but it's as likely a candicacy as Jesse Jackson's and Elizabeth Dole's. This country isn't going to have it. In fact, if the next president isn't a Southerner, I'll be surprised. It's been white men from the South (and Texas) since 1988. I'd much rather have a president who doesn't identify religiously, like Clinton (c'mon, you think that wasn't all just for the cameras?). I know people keep forgetting about that old separation of church and state, but you know, it's in there. And if we do elect a Jewish president in my lifetime, I would prefer it not be Lieberman, because he scares me. He makes sounds of censorship and is strongly pro-Israel, which America really doesn't need right now. I'm not afraid to say that I think we shouldn't be taking sides in that freaking powderkeg. Hey, my foreign policy is a little shaky, though, so don't ask me what the right move is. I just know I'm not thrilled with the status quo.

Bring on the hate mail.

Pepe Le Pew

So the fancy pants government in Bend, Oregon (Bend, heh heh) wants to kick people off the public bus for being smelly. I don't like that one bit. I think it allows for discrimination based on cultural background. Anyone who's ridden in a New York City taxi can tell you that folks from some other countries don't have the same Puritan bathing rituals that Americans have, thus, their aromatic nature is perceived negatively by us Yankees. In other words, some Middle Eastern people don't smell very good. This is also true of some Europeans I've gotten inadvertently chummy with on the subway. Thems are the breaks when you ride public transport, sweetie. Besides, the concept that the government can deny a public service to someone because they smell is nuts, and must be unconstitutional. I want to see the ACLU jump in on this one. First I can't drink outside or smoke inside, now I can't be smelly? It makes me want to take a Greyhound Bus to Oregon, without showering, then hit the gym for a few hours, hang out in the monkey house at the zoo for a few hours, hole up in a pot den for a day, then hop the public bus back to the Greyhound station. Think they'd let me on? Gah, you'd think Eisenhower was back in office. I hope this doesn't give Bloomberg (the man who initially didn't seem concerned with "quality of life" issues) any ideas.

Live, From New York, It's a Real Saturday Night!

I was just thinking, I'm so glad I've only seen like, two episodes of Saturday Night Live in the past two years. If I spent enough Saturday nights at home to actually know the names of the cast members, I'd just give it up, get a cat and take up needlepoint. I don't pay $900 a month in rent to sit around in my apartment, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Run For the Hills!

Retina scanning in the schools? It's madness! I can appreciate the desire to have a cashless system at school, but what about ID cards? When I was in college, my school ID doubled as a debit card, while moonlighting as a library card. The claim that this is being done to destigmatize free-lunchers (heh, I first typed that as "free-munchers") is a little dubious. Kids have been getting free-lunch for decades. Their peers are pretty perceptive; your average fourth-grader can tell who has money and who doesn't without knowing how much they pay for lunch! The concept of having your "eye-print" on file at such a young age frightens me, it really does. I'm trying to recall if I was ever fingerprinted as a child in one of those so-called safety fairs. I'd never get voluntarily printed now. Forget it. It's bad enough that I have to have a Social Security number. Orwell may have been off on the date, but I'm just getting creeped out by all this retina-scanning, gene-mapping, surveillance-happy hoo-hah. Between insidious government intrusion and twelve-year olds in midi tops and belly rings, our society is going to Cleveland in a handbasket. For real, yo.

Dream a Little Dream of Fran

I dreamed I was watching a stage performance of Hawaiian music, and the announcer was saying that Gloria Estefan would be singing. Several large, unattractive people preceded her to the stage, and I thought, hmm, maybe she wants to look better in comparison. She came out, sure enough, skinny and glamorous, in a white fur coat and sparkly strech pants with flared legs. For some reason, my view zoomed in on her tummy, which was poochy and old-lady-ish. I looked over at Fran Drescher, who was, of course, standing next to me. She was also wearing sparkly stretch pants and checking herself out in comparison to Gloria, and I said, "Don't worry, Fran, you look much better than she does." She said something to the effect that her body was one thing she could always count on being good.

Later, I was Buffy in a huge battle, had sex with Stephen Baldwin (gross!), had to shoo four hairless cats out of my hotel bathroom because I'd left the door open, and helped Camille (my psychotic ex-roommate) round up the rest of the wandering kitties. All this happened between 6:30 and 7:49 this morning. I think sometimes I stay in bed just for the dreams.

Gah, Who Cares?

In what kind of messed up world do we live wherein the cancellation of a television show becomes a news story? Who cares? You don't see AP stories about the imminent cancellation of Buffy (please God, please let this be the last season). The question of SMG renewing her contract is still up in the air, so it's an even more interesting story than the Sex in the City one, but the stigma of being on a netlet has kept Buffy down for years. Speaking of my favorite TV show, I need to invest in a DVD player. The third season is out on DVD now, and it would make me so very happy to have my three favorite seasons crystal clear, with Joss commentary. *sigh* Of course, it would be wise of me to get a larger television first. I think DVD is wasted on a 13" screen, don't you?

Sign Your Name Across My Heart

It's important to prepare for the future. I like to tie that in with my everyday responsibilities (looks like too many i's, hmmm). For instance, today I am preparing for my future signing autographs by signing my name to 230 promotional letters, for that personalized touch. When you sign your name that often, you begin to wonder how anyone could notice a forgery.

I crafted my current signature when I was in high school. I added the middle initial sometime near the end of my senior year, when I decided every important business person (which I intended to be) used their middle initials. I changed my capital A from the round cursive style to a large ponity letter that swooped around like half a star into a tall L, beginning the repeated humps and loops that make up the E, X, and I, until abruptly changing direction and circling into the small A that looks like the old capital once did. From the end of the A, the line swoops around once again, stopping briefly over the I, then slashing down through the unfinished X, sometimes making a light curl at the bottom, one smooth line for all five letters and all the necessary dots and tiddles. Sometimes my pen gets stuck in the bumps and I can't discern the X from the I, or there is no I, or I dot the X and slash the I. Sometimes the capital A looks normal-sized, sometimes imposing and wobbly.

The C. is sometimes small, as inconsequential as the lowercases, sometimes as big as the capitals. Sometimes it just floats there in the middle, perfectly poised between "Alexia" and "Henke," being the perfect median, the sixth letter, the link in the chain. I can't sign my name without the C. Without the C., I'd rather just be Alexia on paper. Or Ms. Henke. I never say, "Hello, this is Alexia C. Henke." That would just be odd. But it has to be written.

The H is two parallel lines joined by a another swoop that starts an extremely volatile mix of letters. The E is not so bad (although it sometimes comes out more like an "i"). but the N has a tendency to become M, and the K wants to be H. Sometimes there's nothing I can do. I try to be careful, but the more I think about it, the worse it gets. The last E is a desperate attempt to just get out before something bad happens. It barely exists. No grand flourish at the end like the first name, just a small, sad, little E that looks like it's trying to run away, right off the page.

Other than these things, all my signatures come out differently. My letters know how they're supposed to behave, but my hand won't help them. I squeeze the pen so tight I can only get out two or three at a time. After signing 50 I have a red mark on my middle finger. My hands sweat and I have to stop and wait before I go on. Take a break. It feels like I don't know how to sign my own name anymore. It looks strange, alien. Is this my name? Why does it look that way? Why don't I have pretty, flowing script, like my mother, or a mad, doctor's scrawl, like my father (who is not a doctor)? I become so used to typing everything that writing in script is a hardship, but the only way I know how to write (except for envelopes and to-do lists, of course). I even wrote all my college notes (lo, these many years gone by) in cursive. I don't think anyone was meant to sign their own name this many times in a row. That's what they make the rubber stamps for.

My Bloody Valentine

So, the American Red Cross is experiencing a blood shortage are they? Hmm, maybe if they allowed people to give blood, they'd have some. I wonder if efficiency in testing is really so important when there's no blood in the banks.

What am I talking about, you ask? Well, a couple of years ago, I was a captain for my office's blood drive and I learned a few things about the rules behind giving blood. Done cocaine (through the nose) in the last twelve months? Forget it. They assume you may have used a straw someone else used and you could have HIV or hepatitis. Got a tattoo or piercing (this varies with blood banks) in the last 12 months? Too bad, because again, you may have been exposed to HIV/hep. Jail or mental institution in the last 12 months? Same. Also, if you've had sex with someone who meets these conditions, you need to wait to donate. Have you ever, even once, even with a sterile needle, injected anything not prescribed by a doctor? You will never be able to donate blood, even if you test HIV negative from here to eternity. Anyone who has ever taken drugs or money in exchange for sex is ineligible. And my very favorite, any man who has had sex with another man since 1977, even once, even with a condom, even if he's tested HIV negative for years, will never be able to donate.

I understand that the reasoning is that if you weed out the higher-risk donors, there will be less waste of unusable donations. But all donations are tested! Would someone who was knowingly HIV or hepatitis positive attempt to donate blood? While many of the above cited guidelines are minor and understandable, I am appalled that all gay men are precluded from donating, no matter what their HIV status. Where is the guideline about promiscuous women who don't require their partners to use condoms? What about "If your partner refuses to use condoms and you suspect that he is having sex with other people, you may not donate"? I used to give blood all the time, but the last time, according to the rules, I was ineligible for a very minor reason. Now, I could have lied. I could have donated blood anyway. Anyone could lie. They don't have your medical records, only what you tell them. Thank goodness they test every donation, right? Oh, yeah, THEY TEST EVERY DONATION. But it's a good thing they keep the gays from donating, because surely they've all got the AIDS, you know. Jesus Christ!

I refuse to donate blood anymore, except for my own use. Until the federal government takes a look at their discriminatory donation guidelines and makes a change. I know it's important to screen blood donations and to make sure no one is given infected blood. I know that gay men are a high risk group for HIV. But I also know that if you're facing a shortage of blood, maybe it's not because no one wants to give, but because no one is allowed to give.

[On the "Alexia is crazy" front, I also think about whether this whole blood transfusion thing is such a good idea in the first place. I can't quite put it in the same category as organ transplants, but I get closer all the time.]

Almost Famous

Who the hell is Erik Van Detten, and what qualifies him as a celebrity? Since when is Michael Boatman -- an actor I like, but who is hardly a household name -- a celebrity? ABC's Celebrity Mole Hawaii has just gone too far. I mean, if you're playing Pyramid, okay, I'll let you get away with "celebrity." But this is prime time. If the average person can't place your name with your face, you ain't no celebrity. I'll accept Frederique, because Victoria's Secret models always win. Maybe people even know who host Ahmad Rashad is, and Corbin Bersen and Kim Coles have just made themselves ubiquitous in the "celebrity game show" genre. Sure, I know Stephen Baldwin, but he is a Baldwin, and he was on Young Riders (drool), so that's a given.

Speaking of Young Riders (because I can't waste any more of my brain power on The Mole), Josh Brolin (an erstwhile Pony Express rider) has a new show coming out, where he's the kind of Congressman we wish we had. I guess the popularity of President Bartlett is catching on.

God, I hate this. Last night and this morning I had a bunch of things I wanted to bitch about, but they've gone, poof! I need a computer at home, or perhaps I could be a normal person and just keep a journal. All right, I do keep a journal, but it's more like a memoir, so it's very steamy. Rants wouldn't fit in. Okay, you got me, it's not steamy, more like "true confessions," in the "what the hell was I thinking?" category.

Mahalo, I'm Sure

Once again, I'm embarking on the admittedly pathological need to isolate myself by looking into a solo trip to Hawaii. It would be nice to go with someone else, but then I'd have to coordinate with their schedules, confer on hotels, and compromise on activities. Pros include someone else to drive, a cheaper hotel fee, and a friend to hang out with. I don't know. I thought it might be a nice thing to do for my thirtieth birthday, but it might not be as pleasant in Oahu in October as it is in April. I'm pretty sure I can't go in April this year, which bites, but hey, what can you do? Maybe I'll just go to a day spa or jump off the Empire State Building. Scratch that last part. Thirty's not so bad. It doesn't make any sense to me, aesthetically, but I accept it chronologically.

Besides, I can't see bringing three people to Hawaii with me, and if I ask one person, at least one other person will feel slighted. Hey, I know, what if I can russle up a boyfriend by October? That would be pretty good. But still, compromises, conferences and agreements. Yuck. I'll just go by myself and pick up an army boy at a nightclub like I did last year.

Charmed, I'm Sure

I took a test today.

[Let me just note that this test is probably all over the world of blogs and livejournals right now. Give me a break.]

It was actually interesting, and different from most of the other "personality type" tests out there. I'm not sure if it's best to go with your first instincts or to think about your answer, but I was pleased with my result. I would have thought I was "charismatic" or even a "star," but I'm okay with "charmer."

I am the Charmer. Charm is seduction without sex. Charmers are consummate manipulators, masking their cleverness by creating a mood of pleasure and comfort. Their method is simple; they deflect attention from themselves and focus it on their target. They understand your spirit, feel your pain, adapt to your moods. In the presence of a Charmer you feel better about yourself. Learn to cast the Charmer's spell by aiming at people's primary weaknesses: vanity and self-esteem

Symbol: The Mirror. Your spirit holds a mirror up to others. When they see you they see themselves: their values, their tastes, even their flaws. Their lifelong love affair with their own image is comfortable and hypnotic; so feed it. No one ever sees what is behind the mirror.

See, and you all thought (okay, I thought) I bring all the attention on myself. But it is true, I make people feel better about themselves. They're so happy they're not the decrepit drunk that I am, they perk right up!

Sounds Like...

I just noticed that part of Julian Lennon's "Valotte" sounds like "I'm Under Your Spell" from the Buffy musical. Or vice versa. You know what I mean.

It's really eerie how much Julian sounds like his father. It's probably a good thing that he gave up recording. Lots of sick people (like me) out there trying to hold on to a dead man.

New York Seven, Here I Come

I'm so excited. The Republicans are coming! The Republicans are coming! Just think how good it will be, economically, for New York. Just think of all the visitors and press and, you guessed it, protests! I'd just love to be part of something nutty. I never have been arrested. I'm not saying that lightly, either. I know what it means to be arrested, to have that on your record. I just don't feel as civily disobedient as I should be. I have until next year to pick a cause. Should it be reproductive rights? Gay marriage? Oil drilling? Constitutional liberties? General anti-Bush sentiment? There's just so much to choose from. I want to pick something middle-of-the-road, though. Nothing so fluffy that it goes unnoticed, but nothing so militant that it results in a walloping with a nightstick. I'm open to suggestions.

Beam Me Up, Rael

Dude, that's no clone. If it were really a clone, they'd freely offer up the DNA tests. These people think the mothership is on its way. Do we really believe they're cloning people? It's probably not even a baby. Some Dutch lesbian (not in Holland) is running around clutching a package of Quaker Oats to her bosom, convinced the aliens will make it a real baby. These folks are coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, you know? Oh! Yes, I have an exception for my opposition to cloning legislation. As in my proposed parent licensing, cloning can only be performed by people who have taken an extensive psychological exam to prove they aren't nut-jobs who believe aliens inhabited Earth.

Recommended Daily Allowance of Irony

More reasons why I don't fit in with the other Gen Xers: I don't see what so cool about ironic detachment. Sure, I can be sarcastic and mocking, but that's only about things I genuinely dislike and would spend no significant time on. Like Ann Coulter. What I mean is the tendency for some people to take part in an activity -- like bowling or singing at a piano bar -- because they find it amusing that people still do that sort of thing. They listen to New Wave because the synthesizers sound "so old fashioned." They wear shirts they think are ugly because it makes them cool. See, I'm not like that. I really enjoy bowling and I don't think there's anything pathetic about a bunch of people enjoying themselves singing showtunes. I honestly think "Oklahoma!" is a great song. I think all electronic music sounds hopelessly modern. I've been known to wear ugly shirts, but they're not the kind anyone likes but me. And I couldn't care less.

I'm sure it's much more exciting and cool to take some Ecstacy and visit the local piano bar for the express purpose of laughing at the patrons*, but I just don't get it. Call me uncool, call me mundane, but I like like things other people happen to think are corny, rather than like things because they're corny. Does that make sense? My interest in kitsch is not an actual interest in kitsch, but the simple fact that a lot of my interests are considered kitschy. Still, for some reason, that makes me the object of some ridicule among some of the less secure people I've encountered. Not that I care; if I did, I wouldn't loudly proclaim my love for karaoke and playing with Barbies. Speaking of playing, I found something that makes me happy every time. If I feel down, or just not giggly, I just push the stomach of my Tickle Me Cookie Monster and watch him laugh and shake all over. It's like a magic elixir! You can't help but be cheered by that little guy! I keep him on my couch for accessibility. Yay, Cookie Monster!


* Full disclosure: I met someone in a bar this weekend who said he loved Marie's Crisis, but his reason was that it was so hideous to see all of the "washed-up ex-actor old homos" singing their hearts out, and he found that funny. Isn't he the pathetic one?

Move Over, Gary Wright!

I got my brand-spanking-new SunRise alarm clock this weekend. I still overslept this morning, but I guess I just need to get used to it. I definitely felt less surly. I just didn't want to get out of bed. During my post alarm naps, I dreamed some weird stuff, of course.

I dreamed I was in my parents' cabin in Tennessee, but it was a little different of course. I couldn't keep the lights turned off, because they kept going on and off by themselves. Then I saw my Christmas tree was on (and with blinking lights), but I knew I had taken it down. I saw it in three pieces (it's artificial), then when I went to the closet where I was sure I had stored it, it wasn't on the floor anymore. I chalked it all up to ghosts, which, even in the dream seemed a little odd. I dreamed it was 10:22 and I was going to have to call in late to work. Earlier, I dreamed that I was in college, and I was looking at my Palm Pilot. For some reason I had scheduled exercise at 8 am, like that was ever going to happen, so I deleted it. I said to the kids nearby that I was so glad it was my last year because my classes were spaced out and I didn't have to rush off right after class. Danny Masterson was in my class, and he told me he liked my leather jacket, but I scoffed because it's just the regular kind, nothing special. I dreamed I jumped some chick because she bothered me. For the first time ever, I prevailed in a fight in my dreams. This is, of course, something I would never do in real life. But it was satisfying in the dream. I also dreamed about all three of my most recent jobs, as if they were one. I think my brain was just trying to get my ass out of bed. Lights are connected to the alarm clock and the fight is connected to karate, which I have tonight. Everything else is pretty obvious. I wish I could remember my first dream of the night. That one gets lost in the ether.

Just as an aside, The New York Sun should just give up. They're still giving away free papers to drum up interest. I didn't take one because I don't have time to read it, and also, their crossword is annoying (read: too hard for me).

So Very Dirrty

I was just thinking about how much Christina Aguilera has changed over the past couple of years (don't ask me why, I'm not really sure), so I went to her official website to look at some recent pictures of her. She actually looked nice at this year's Grammy Awards. After reading an interview with her in Jann Wenner's birdcage liner, I started to think that I have said mean things about this person that I've never met without actually listening to her music or to anything she has to say. I can say I'm not down with her fashion sense, on the whole, but that's about it. Also, she doesn't seem to have a face so much as a face created by makeup. If I didn't know what I was looking at, I might guess they were pictures of CA, but she's not exactly always recognizable. I can easily confuse her with Shakira, which is not something you could have ever said about Madonna, who was (is) always instantly recognizable because of her strong features. CA has some kind of mush face where she is most recognizable looking upward. Maybe that's why she wears so much eyeshadow.

Sad Day

I just heard that the best friend of a very good friend of mine died last month. I didn't see him much, because he spent a lot of time in Puerto Rico with his mother. Luis was a great cook, and very sweet. I remember one summer when I scratched my hand on his rose bushes, he came out with antiseptic and band-aids and fixed me right up. I feel very sad for my friend, as he and Luis has been best friends and roommates for many years. One of the reasons I walk in the AIDS Walk every year is because Luis told me he got a lot of assistance from GMHC. I know some people don't feel they do a good job, but Luis' endorsement was good enough for me.

Aargh

I just wrote this great rant about sex editors who don't seem to like sex but I lost it. I don't have it in me to recreate it, although I probably could. Sigh.

What's Snoo With You?

Happy 2003, kids. Never one to let me down, our illustrous president has given me the quote of the day.

"You said we're headed to war in Iraq. I don't know why you say that," Bush told reporters. "I'm the person who gets to decide, not you. And I hope this can be done peacefully."

I'm so glad he's the person who gets to decide. Good thing we're not worried about all those pesky checks and balances any more. Whew!

You know, I keep having this feeling that Saddam Hussein has never had any intention of attacking America. It seems like he prefers to wreak havoc in his own country, where he feels very powerful. I mean, you'd have to be a total dumbass to want be the leader of a sovereign nation and think about attacking America. Terrorists, I understand. They're not beholden to any government, nor do they have any power of their own. Nothing to lose. But Saddam has a lot to lose.

So, what did you do for New Year's Eve? I got pretty terrifically drunk, but I was at the home of friends and I was able to pass out on their futon. I still hold the title of Last Woman Standing, thank you very much. The next day was painful and miserable, but after a nap, some Coke and an Iron Chef marathon, I felt up to trudging home. I'm sure this isn't the best way to spend the first day of the year, but again, the calendar is completely arbitrary as to the "beginning" of a year. I mean, it happens in the first few weeks of a season, for goodness' sake. Anyway, according to the news last night, I'm a binge drinker. They define it as having five or more drinks at one time. On the weekends, I definitely fit that category, and I don't really go out during the week anymore. I'm too old to be doing this to my body, but I'm going to have to train myself to drink slower and less. It's not good when you're hungover from your hangover.