All Hail Tony Shaloub

So, I checked out Monk last night on its ABC debut. I was flipping back and forth between it and American Idol, because I was really concerned about Nikki. What if she really stunk up the place? That would have been so sad. It's probably forgone that she's getting booted tonight, but if people had voted on the merits of just last night's performance, I don't think so. She rocked! And she's super cute, too. But, I was talking about Tony Shaloub, wasn't I? I didn't miss very much of it, so I was able to formulate a pretty solid opinion about it. That opinion is...... it's excellent and should be picked up this fall. But I really hope they schedule it some time other than Tuesday or Sunday. What with Buffy and Smallville (not to mention karaoke) on Tuesdays, and Angel and Alias (opposite each other, even!) on Sundays, I'm convinced the networks have been monitoring my viewing habits, and want to punish me. Thankfully, American Idol will be over soon, dialing down the decision tension somewhat, but I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to live without an UltimateTV thingie. Tivo is out, because it doesn't record two shows that are on at the same time, and what's the point if you don't have that? I have a bad feeling that all the shows I want to see in the new fall lineup will be on Tuesdays or Sundays or just opposite each other. I have to check out That Was Then to see if they accurately capture my high school years, Do Over because it still makes my older sisters the old ones, Survivor because I have to give it at least a chance (I was a Season 1-3 junkie; Season 4 crept up on me and caught me off guard), and Firefly because it's Joss. You have to do it for Joss.

Speaking of the fall line-up, I'm really surprised that NBC is only introducing five new shows. And three of them are sitcoms. Is the Law & Order franchise really doing that well in the ratings? I see they've totally given up on trying to schedule real shows on Saturday night; that hasn't been working out too well (*coughFreaks & Geekscough*). Scrubs has been bumped to the do-or-die slot of Thursday at 8:30. Wow. That's where you put a show that you either have utmost confidence in, or you want to kill. The lead-in doesn't always cut it; witness The Single Guy, or speaking of Tony Shaloub, Stark Raving Mad. At least it gave Heather Paige Kent a little screen test for her sweet but short-lived CBS drama, That's Life.

(The sad part is that most of this is actually coming off the top of my head. Why didn't I pursue a career in television crticism? Oh, right. I like to eat.)

Well, since we've started, what does ABC have in store for us, come autumn? Ok, this isn't too bad. MDs looks like the new replacement for ER, something that all the recent, forgettable (even I have forgotten) medical shows never had a chance of pulling off. Plus they use Three Dog Night in the commercials. I'm a sucker for a little Three Dog Night. A new show for Bonnie Hunt, who is hilarious but has no luck with the networks. A comedy with Andy Dick, the fat girl from Popular (oh, like you don't think that was her original character name?) and a couple of other slightly familiar character actors. Oh, and a new John Ritter sitcom. I'd say these three don't have much of a chance of survival, but this is the network that is insisting on throwing another season of the ridiculously bad shows My Wife and Kids and According to Jim at their all-too suspecting viewers. For some reason Dinotopia, the miniseries that had me turning channels halfway into episode one, has become a series, as well as some lame Twin Peaks rip-off developed by Ben "Fuck Rehab" Affleck and one of his "friends." ABC is at least smart enough to premiere seven new shows, although with the way their ratings have been lately, I don't think it would have been too risky to axe everything but Monday Night Football, Alias, and the Drew Carey Hour and start over.

I barely get CBS in these days, but I'll tune it in, turn down the volume and turn on the b&w TV in the other room for sound, just to watch CSI. Don't get me wrong, though. As much as I like Khandi Alexander, I won't be tuning into CSI: Miami. A) I read Elmore Leonard books. I won't be impressed by their southern crime. B) Adding Kim Delaney to the cast is crap. Kick this drunk to the curb, already. C) David Caruso ain't Gil Grissom, and that's that. Okay, what else? Wow, another comedy centered around a beautiful woman married to a fat slob. Is this some kind of conspiracy? After Jami Gertz's excellent turn in the Gilda Radner movie, I'm disappointed in this new project. Ooh, a comedy on, that's right, Sunday night with Tony-award winning Katie Finneran (whom I love). A medical show (see above), a show about the Federal Missing Persons department and one about the LAPD Robbery and Homicide department (there's only one department for those two crimes?). Nothing is grabbing me. Hack looks interesting, kind of reminds me of The Equalizer or Midnight Caller. And there's no denying, David Morse is cool. Seven new shows for CBS. And JAG is still on. Go figure.

FOX continues to perplex. Oliver Beene looks creepy-fun, like Parents meets The Wonder Years. Speaking of the devil, there's a new comedy with Randy Quaid and Carol Kane. I don't care if they read the scripts to My Wife and Kids, it's Randy Quaid and Carol Kane! Oh, great, a show about empowered women that calls them girls right in the title. Subversive, man. I'm psyched to see Cedric the Entertainer's variety show. So what? Your momma. You heard me. Aw, Tiffany-Amber Thiessen has a new show. Anyway. I think I agree with the masses who say, "I don't care who John Doe is! Show Futurama already!" And, a show about septuplets. At first I thought it was a reality show, but it isn't, which makes it even less interesting, if that's possible. Keen Eddie is a midseason replacement that looks like a keeper; it has the second Jack from Days of our Lives in it! FOX has eight new shows.

I started it, I'd better finish.

The WB, the network who's stingy ways ruined a perfectly good -- no, perfect -- TV show. Hmm, it also has a sucky website that shows how it feels about it's network versus it's production company. Let's use our memories, shall we? Treat Williams alienates his teenage son by dragging him into the country. Hey, sounds like me in high school! Later, Gotham City has new heroes, and they're chicks! Who fight crime! Yay! Tim Curry further degrades himself by becoming Mr. French in the new, totally unecessary remake of Family Affair. Who remakes TV shows into TV shows? That's just strange. The aforementioned Do Over. They use Frankie Goes to Hollywood in the commercials. I loves me some Frankie. Add some more Three Dog Night, and it's a party. A comedy with Jennie Garth that makes Wang Chung seem uncool. I hate that show already! I'm not sure what Greetings From Tuscon is, but maybe seeing it a lot will help me spell it. Maybe it's about my friend who lives in Tuscon! Probably not though. You'd tell me if there was a TV show about you, right, Michael? Six new shows from the WB. Too bad none of them is Buffy.

Last but, well actually, least, UPN. A comedy about two black half-sisters. Everyone in this is really light-skinned. I'm not sure if that's supposed to mean anything. A drama about a guy who "hears dead people." I think I saw that movie. It's like, "what would happen if Haley Joel Osment grew up and became a private investigator?" And finally, Forest Whitaker, who -- as I have mentioned before -- alternately does amazing and crappy stuff, hosts the new Twilight Zone. I'm curious if the stories will be new. I hope not. TV writers suck balls these days. Oh, sorry. They don't write very well. That's what I meant. UPN has three new shows. They are riding on the last, hopeless season of Buffy (which I used to love, you all know), Enterprise, and Smackdown. This is so sad.

Gah, that's a lot of writing. Check out my website in a couple of weeks. I'm revamping the network section, making a matrix that more accurately reflects my show ratings. Oh, and USA? Great job with Monk, but the jury is still out on The Dead Zone. I've decided not to pan it based solely on the fact that you can't make a TV show out of that book. I'm actually going to watch it first. Or at least read someone else's review of it. I'm not made of stone, you know.