Preparation for Flag Mania

Hey, are you like me? Were you physically disgusted by the lack of respect shown to the American flag all over this great country starting around Septemebr 11, 2001? Have you scolded people for hanging their flag wrong or draping it over themselves as if it were a cape? If you're like me, you probably wished someone in the news media would go public with the rules of flag etiquette so as not to perpetuate this horrific spectacle. You could also be one of those people who thinks flag etiquette is unimportant, in which case you probably also think it's ok to spell "night" as "nite" or to let football players cheat their way through high school. That's all right; we can't all be good people. Anyway, I have found a nice site that lays out the simple rules of etiquette for the American flag. I know that in a couple of days the streets will be covered with improperly displayed flags, made of cheap material, left to get rained on, dirtied and ragged by the time Halloween decorations are put up. This is a sad way to treat the symbol of our country. People treat their Yankees pennants better than they do the flag. If you have to think about why I would think that's wrong, you may be reading the wrong blog.

Sometimes "88" Is Just "Eighty-eight"

I find it terribly hard to believe that a clothing manufacturer deliberately put encoded pro-Hitler messages on clothes and sold them to Target. Could it be possible that the number 88 is just aesthetically pleasing? Was the "'88" on my freshman yearbook really just code for "Heil Hitler"? Should I skip 88 when I sing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"? Perhaps we should eliminate all instances of the year 1988 in the history books. But wait! Wasn't 1988 the year George Herbert Walker Bush was elected to the US presidency? I sense a conspiracy! All pianos must be confiscated! Hey! Is that piano bar uptown, 88 Keys, just a neo-Nazi hangout? I should have seen this before, but I was blinded by the beauty and simplicity of two infinity symbols turned on their sides. This is all that cartoon skating girl's fault. "Multiplication Rock" my ass. More like "Math for the Aryan Super Race!"

To The Max!

Sony has decided to discontinue Betamax. Huh? They've been making Betamax machines all this time? I'm really surprised they don't sell them next to the Atari 2600s and the legwarmers in the local Trend-o-Rama "thrift" stores in such hip locations as NoLita and Williamsburg. I can mock, because I still have my old legwarmers and jackets with enormous shoulder pads, not to mention 50 pairs of large, gaudy earrings and several extra long strands of "pearls." I draw the line at pink and gray argyle, though.

Deus Ajuda Quem Cedo Madruga

That's right kids, "God helps those who get up early." Reader Vitor from Brazil has swapped a slang saying with me. I gave him "Word to your mother," accidentally.

After reading many and varied web pages written by teenagers, I have come to be completely desensitized to angst. I find all of their little problems (my boyfriend missed his hourly phone call, my parents keep beating me) trivial in the extreme, and won't even let myself get down about things that happen to me in protest. Apathy is breeding in me like mildew on an old shower curtain. Yikes! The horror! Now I'm picking up the tendency to write bad metaphors! Similes? Anyway, I can't take it. The next thing you know, I won't be able to relate to teenagers at all, then I'll be just like some people I know whose names I won't mention for fear of not getting a Christmas present. I need exposure to teenagers who can spell and who understand that blogging about the illegal drugs you've been doing isn't exactly the smartest thing in the world. I can learn about the music from my friend Larue. She may be almost 40, but she listens to all that new stuff. If I have to hear about how much she loves the newest Pink CD one more time... Just kidding, Larue! You know I love you! But still, I don't think I'm going to make it. Yes, I may be considered "cool" by the kids because of my old-fashioned and kitschy ways, but I don't think I'll ever really be "down" again. *sigh* That's okay, I can be a classic, a legend, Edie Gorme, Carol Channing, Bette Midler. I just always wanted to be Cyndi Lauper, ya know?

What Decade is This, Again?

When I saw the headline for this story about Buffy being a bad show for "families," I thought I may sigh and agree with it, considering last season's sleazy decent into soft core vampire porn. But when I read that the group rating the shows would probably be happiest if they went back to married couples having separate beds, I had to chuckle. So, it's inappropriate to show a 30-something single woman having a baby at 8 pm? They didn't show her conceive it! Does this group think children won't know that single women are having babies if they don't see it on Friends? Please! If anything, they should be happy that they showed Rachel make a difficult decision rather than making it seem easy to just get knocked up and have the baby, the way Reba, a show they laud (because the teenage parents get married? Now, that's sick.) does. And even though they criticize Buffy for dealing with an "element of the occult," Sabrina, The Teenage Witch is on their favorites list. Um, what's more occult than a witch? No, no, hands down, it was a rhetorical question. And the funniest thing, the show Gilmore Girls which has, inexplicably, been held up as fine family viewing (yeah, the single mom whose rabbit died when she was 16 who shows no respect for her parents and lets her young daughter date bad boys...) was ignored because the group "was concerned about some of the mother's relationships." Oy, you mean with the father of her child? I guess I just don't think the right way. Where can I get reprogrammed?

All Hail Tony Shaloub

So, I checked out Monk last night on its ABC debut. I was flipping back and forth between it and American Idol, because I was really concerned about Nikki. What if she really stunk up the place? That would have been so sad. It's probably forgone that she's getting booted tonight, but if people had voted on the merits of just last night's performance, I don't think so. She rocked! And she's super cute, too. But, I was talking about Tony Shaloub, wasn't I? I didn't miss very much of it, so I was able to formulate a pretty solid opinion about it. That opinion is...... it's excellent and should be picked up this fall. But I really hope they schedule it some time other than Tuesday or Sunday. What with Buffy and Smallville (not to mention karaoke) on Tuesdays, and Angel and Alias (opposite each other, even!) on Sundays, I'm convinced the networks have been monitoring my viewing habits, and want to punish me. Thankfully, American Idol will be over soon, dialing down the decision tension somewhat, but I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to live without an UltimateTV thingie. Tivo is out, because it doesn't record two shows that are on at the same time, and what's the point if you don't have that? I have a bad feeling that all the shows I want to see in the new fall lineup will be on Tuesdays or Sundays or just opposite each other. I have to check out That Was Then to see if they accurately capture my high school years, Do Over because it still makes my older sisters the old ones, Survivor because I have to give it at least a chance (I was a Season 1-3 junkie; Season 4 crept up on me and caught me off guard), and Firefly because it's Joss. You have to do it for Joss.

Speaking of the fall line-up, I'm really surprised that NBC is only introducing five new shows. And three of them are sitcoms. Is the Law & Order franchise really doing that well in the ratings? I see they've totally given up on trying to schedule real shows on Saturday night; that hasn't been working out too well (*coughFreaks & Geekscough*). Scrubs has been bumped to the do-or-die slot of Thursday at 8:30. Wow. That's where you put a show that you either have utmost confidence in, or you want to kill. The lead-in doesn't always cut it; witness The Single Guy, or speaking of Tony Shaloub, Stark Raving Mad. At least it gave Heather Paige Kent a little screen test for her sweet but short-lived CBS drama, That's Life.

(The sad part is that most of this is actually coming off the top of my head. Why didn't I pursue a career in television crticism? Oh, right. I like to eat.)

Well, since we've started, what does ABC have in store for us, come autumn? Ok, this isn't too bad. MDs looks like the new replacement for ER, something that all the recent, forgettable (even I have forgotten) medical shows never had a chance of pulling off. Plus they use Three Dog Night in the commercials. I'm a sucker for a little Three Dog Night. A new show for Bonnie Hunt, who is hilarious but has no luck with the networks. A comedy with Andy Dick, the fat girl from Popular (oh, like you don't think that was her original character name?) and a couple of other slightly familiar character actors. Oh, and a new John Ritter sitcom. I'd say these three don't have much of a chance of survival, but this is the network that is insisting on throwing another season of the ridiculously bad shows My Wife and Kids and According to Jim at their all-too suspecting viewers. For some reason Dinotopia, the miniseries that had me turning channels halfway into episode one, has become a series, as well as some lame Twin Peaks rip-off developed by Ben "Fuck Rehab" Affleck and one of his "friends." ABC is at least smart enough to premiere seven new shows, although with the way their ratings have been lately, I don't think it would have been too risky to axe everything but Monday Night Football, Alias, and the Drew Carey Hour and start over.

I barely get CBS in these days, but I'll tune it in, turn down the volume and turn on the b&w TV in the other room for sound, just to watch CSI. Don't get me wrong, though. As much as I like Khandi Alexander, I won't be tuning into CSI: Miami. A) I read Elmore Leonard books. I won't be impressed by their southern crime. B) Adding Kim Delaney to the cast is crap. Kick this drunk to the curb, already. C) David Caruso ain't Gil Grissom, and that's that. Okay, what else? Wow, another comedy centered around a beautiful woman married to a fat slob. Is this some kind of conspiracy? After Jami Gertz's excellent turn in the Gilda Radner movie, I'm disappointed in this new project. Ooh, a comedy on, that's right, Sunday night with Tony-award winning Katie Finneran (whom I love). A medical show (see above), a show about the Federal Missing Persons department and one about the LAPD Robbery and Homicide department (there's only one department for those two crimes?). Nothing is grabbing me. Hack looks interesting, kind of reminds me of The Equalizer or Midnight Caller. And there's no denying, David Morse is cool. Seven new shows for CBS. And JAG is still on. Go figure.

FOX continues to perplex. Oliver Beene looks creepy-fun, like Parents meets The Wonder Years. Speaking of the devil, there's a new comedy with Randy Quaid and Carol Kane. I don't care if they read the scripts to My Wife and Kids, it's Randy Quaid and Carol Kane! Oh, great, a show about empowered women that calls them girls right in the title. Subversive, man. I'm psyched to see Cedric the Entertainer's variety show. So what? Your momma. You heard me. Aw, Tiffany-Amber Thiessen has a new show. Anyway. I think I agree with the masses who say, "I don't care who John Doe is! Show Futurama already!" And, a show about septuplets. At first I thought it was a reality show, but it isn't, which makes it even less interesting, if that's possible. Keen Eddie is a midseason replacement that looks like a keeper; it has the second Jack from Days of our Lives in it! FOX has eight new shows.

I started it, I'd better finish.

The WB, the network who's stingy ways ruined a perfectly good -- no, perfect -- TV show. Hmm, it also has a sucky website that shows how it feels about it's network versus it's production company. Let's use our memories, shall we? Treat Williams alienates his teenage son by dragging him into the country. Hey, sounds like me in high school! Later, Gotham City has new heroes, and they're chicks! Who fight crime! Yay! Tim Curry further degrades himself by becoming Mr. French in the new, totally unecessary remake of Family Affair. Who remakes TV shows into TV shows? That's just strange. The aforementioned Do Over. They use Frankie Goes to Hollywood in the commercials. I loves me some Frankie. Add some more Three Dog Night, and it's a party. A comedy with Jennie Garth that makes Wang Chung seem uncool. I hate that show already! I'm not sure what Greetings From Tuscon is, but maybe seeing it a lot will help me spell it. Maybe it's about my friend who lives in Tuscon! Probably not though. You'd tell me if there was a TV show about you, right, Michael? Six new shows from the WB. Too bad none of them is Buffy.

Last but, well actually, least, UPN. A comedy about two black half-sisters. Everyone in this is really light-skinned. I'm not sure if that's supposed to mean anything. A drama about a guy who "hears dead people." I think I saw that movie. It's like, "what would happen if Haley Joel Osment grew up and became a private investigator?" And finally, Forest Whitaker, who -- as I have mentioned before -- alternately does amazing and crappy stuff, hosts the new Twilight Zone. I'm curious if the stories will be new. I hope not. TV writers suck balls these days. Oh, sorry. They don't write very well. That's what I meant. UPN has three new shows. They are riding on the last, hopeless season of Buffy (which I used to love, you all know), Enterprise, and Smackdown. This is so sad.

Gah, that's a lot of writing. Check out my website in a couple of weeks. I'm revamping the network section, making a matrix that more accurately reflects my show ratings. Oh, and USA? Great job with Monk, but the jury is still out on The Dead Zone. I've decided not to pan it based solely on the fact that you can't make a TV show out of that book. I'm actually going to watch it first. Or at least read someone else's review of it. I'm not made of stone, you know.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

The clever-trouserses over at The Onion have done it again! Probably one of the best analyses of the current state of fag-haggery (?) I've ever read. "Bootylicious!"

Bring Back Classic Rock

Thank you, Opie and Anthony. Maybe WNEW can go back to the classic rock format now. I always liked it better than WAXQ, but they went to talk a couple of years ago, which is just icky. I mean, if it's NPR style talk, that's one thing. But shock jocks? Who cares? Rush Limbaugh? Dr. Laura? The Radio Chick? Bite me. The one thing I can say for these guys, they did something right, figuring out how to make a living talking into a mike for three hours a day. Bring back the music, I say. If I want to listen to people spouting off, I'd create audio blogging. Hey...

Not Available at Your Local Animal Shelter

Ye olde Bushe administratione is supporting "embryo adoption." As usual, twelve thousand groups with their own agendas are having their say on the simple issue of the US government using tax dollars to promote public awareness of embryo donation. The stem cell researchers, the pro-lifers, the "abortion rights" advocates -- they all have something to say, afraid that this promotion could set precedents harmful to their own causes. I think the real issue here is that Bush is using $1 million (granted, not much in government terms) to dictate what disposal method people should use when they create too many embryos in the sick and twisted envitro fertilization process, rather than using that money to help feed, educate and raise the children that already exist in this country. What kind of selfish, short-sighted, irresponsible freaks would encourage scientifically engineered breeding while there are children in this country without families, without homes (NYC homelessness has doubled since 1998, and most of those families are women with children), without food, and without a decent education? Is it the goal of the Bush administration and other proponents of this campaign to encourage unnatural pregnancies while starving, physically and emotionally, the already-born? What type of "pro-life" stand is that?

Not that I have any strong opinions about this, of course.

Quote of the Day

"You can even add more Pavlovian drama to the exercise with some specific sound you make while squirting." -- Adam Savage, guest-writing for Tomato Nation's "The Vine."

Finally!

Salon.com has finally deigned to print one of my letters. I think my new feel is "exasperated." Maybe I should market a cologne.

Go Big Orange!

OK, this morning has been Salon-heavy, but it's just the AP wires, ya know.

I was planning on discussing this article about ranking "party schools" anyway, when I read that my alma mater, The University of Tennessee (Knoxville), ranked as the top "party school" in the Princeton Review, a college guide. Wow. I am so proud. I mean, I always hoped as much, and I knew that adding those seats at Neyland Stadium would help, but I never dreamed that one day my degree and honors student/magna cum laude status would be rendered completely invalid by the Greek-centric, sports-obsessed, date-rape-lovin' student body. It warms the cockles of my cold, cold heart to know that not only is Strong Hall, the historic and haunted dormitory I lived in, being torn down in favor of a newer, much less attractive building, but also that even a university presidential sex-scandal couldn't stop the kids from rock 'n' rolling all night and partying ev-ery day.

More to the point of the article, the AMA needs to get its head out of its collective ass and wake up to what the rest of us already know: a whole lot of kids go to college without any idea of what they want to do with their lives. They know they can stave off living in the real world for four (or six) years by going to college, and may even like the idea of studying. But a little taste of freedom goes a long way. Even the most responsible students have been known to hit the beer bong once or twice, or find themselves lying on the floor of their dorm bathroom, savoring the feel of the cool tile, praying for sweet death. I started smoking a pack a day as soon as I hit my freshman dorm. I didn't drink a lot in college, but I wasn't exactly sober, ifyouknowwhatImean. I saw a lot of kids become alcoholics in college, which is sad. However, I think, left to their own devices, it would have happened anyway. Weak people may find a lot of temptation at a university, but they're by nature weak. They'll screw up anywhere. Besides, I don't think that the Princeton Review is irresponsible for printing the top party schools. Anyone who chooses to go to a certain college based on that criterion is fundamentally messed up anyway.

Hmm, do I sound too judgemental? I'm having a hard time turning down the "bitchy and superior" volume this morning.

Truth is Just As Strange As Fiction

Yesterday, I read Elmore Leonard's new book, Tishomingo Blues. Leonard has such a compulsive page-turning style that I read the whole book (300 pages) in about 5 hours (with breaks for Futurama and Alias, of course). The book takes place in the Mississippi Delta, near the famous crossroads where blues great Robert Johnson supposedly sold his soul to the devil. Like the other Leonard book I've read, Maximum Bob, it deals largely with rednecks, cops, and guns. Of course, I'm running out to the library today to pick up five more (he's written a truckload of them), but the point of this post is to direct your attention to a news item I read just this morning. The story sounds like something right out of an Elmore Leonard book, up to and including the fact that many of the town's residents heard the shooter talking to police on their home police scanners.

Maybe I like Leonard because his books remind me of good old Madisonville, Tennessee.


Is It Just Me?

Or is anyone else planning to rent movies, check out library books, take up knitting, or drink heavily on September 11 to avoid the media barrage we're being told to expect? Some of my readers may know that I was very close to the WTC when the whole thing went down. Hmm, pun not intended, but interesting. I was able to watch about an hour of news coverage after I got out of the area, but after that, I couldn't tolerate it. I couldn't tolerate all the whining on television for months afterward. I couldn't tolerate the light memorial. I couldn't tolerate the freaking tourists from Iowa, clutching their brand new FDNY T-shirts and telling reporters, "I feel so close to the tragedy that happened, I just had to come and be close to it and see it for myself." Bertha, you're peeking through a wooden fence at a construction site, blocking the sidewalk while I'm trying to get my lunch. Fuck off!

Sure, I'm a little excitable when it comes to that stuff, I admit it. I'm just not big on the empathy, you know? Nor am I a rubbernecker. God, I despise those people. I just don't get it. The news has been out of control for years now, so I'm not surprised at them, not really. Of course they had a logo made by 11 am on September 11. Of course they were able to find 16 angles of the planes hitting the buildings. They're sick freaks. What disappoints me is all the people going for it. Mindless, thoughtless, truly numb, they need the TV news to tell them how to feel about the horror of a man-made disaster. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but history has taught me that I'm never really harsh enough. People do things that are more stupid, more senseless, more self-centered every day, and I'm not about to go Pollyanna just because a few people helped each other escape a collapsing building, then for a few weeks New Yorkers were nice to each other. Screw that noise. Ahem. On to more pleasant subjects.


Musicians Want More Money: Film at 11

Dude, I think the real lawsuit in this case should be by the patrons of the bar. "Bed of Roses" by Bon Jovi? Gah, that's even worse than "Sweet Caroline." But seriously, ASCAP pisses me off anyway. $2,818 is a lot of money to pay every year, just to have the right to play records you've already bought. Doesn't this seem like a scam to you? When I have my bar, I'm sure as hell not paying it. What, do they have ASCAP spies or something, that go to bars that don't pay the fee and check to see if they're playing the wrong music? That's just creepy, man.

Reagan Redux

When Fred Thompson ran for Al Gore's vacated Senate seat (Tennessee), we saw a lot about him on the local news. An actor, I had seen him in movies before, like The Hunt for Red October. I was shocked -- yes, shocked! -- to find out he was a Republican. I didn't know actors were allowed to be Republicans. Well, except the Gipper, of course. And Arnie. All you ever hear is that Hollywood is full of liberal freaks, and here you have Republican actors running for office left and right.

Fred may be back in showbusiness, possibly replacing Dianne Wiest (who deserves to do movies, dammit!) as the chief prosecutor on "Law & Order." Come on people, there are no original cast members on the show. Let it die, already. The plots are nothing more than real-life retreads, and every episode is so formulaic, you can tell by the time what's going to happen. They must have a hard time thinking up new ways to have a body discovered at the top of the show. Fred's a good actor, but I can't forgive him for being a senator, so I will continue my tradition of flipping away from the bass-heavy strains of the opening theme. Duhn-DUHN-dun-dun-dun-dun-duuuuuuhn. Duhn-DUHN-dun-dun-dun-dun-duuuuuuhn.

Randomness

Sweaty hands and envelope stuffing don't mix.

Willpower is just a fancy word for denying yourself fun. As Cordy said, regarding tact, "I'll pass."

Other bloggers seem to post every little thing they see on the web, without much commentary. Some are all commentary, no links. I like healthy balance, myself.

That Crystal Stick deodorant really works. You still get a little sweaty, but no stink-o. One caveat: don't apply just after shaving your underarms -- Yipe!

I have nowhere to go dancing anymore. It's so sad. How can I claim to help people "get a life" when I have none of my own? Le sigh.

Smoking Saves!

Okay, that's not necessarily true, but I found a great website that has a lot of resources about what smoking bans do to cities and towns and their businesses. NYCCLASH is a group that promotes smoker's rights. I'm more interested in the page about the ban, currently, because it's about more than smoker's rights, it's about why the ban is bad for business and bad for society. They're having a rally at City Hall (south side) on August 26, 2002 at 6 pm. I'll be there, portable ashtray in hand. I have class, ya know.

Seriously, though, I am very concerned about the concept of "quality of life" laws legislating behavior. As a recent New York Times article said, even Giuliani didn't tackle smoking. This whole "Bloomberg as mayor" thing has determined that I will never vote for a businessman for political office. At least career politicians know better than to piss off a bunch of people who are hopped up on nicotine and used to carrying a burning ember close to their faces. Dig it kids: smokers are just tougher than the rest. This is neither good nor bad, it just is what it is, as they say in New York.

I'd like to see what the percentage is of voters who smoke. The recent Newsday poll shows 77% of those polled are against the ban. I bet Hevesi wouldn't have gotten this bright idea (or repealed recycling). He seemed to have a grasp on the people's real needs. He's getting my vote this November! So is Marty Golden, who is running for State Senate. Not that you care, but, this is my blog, after all.

Jogging Kills

Has anyone considered that Chandra Levy may have suffered a heart attack or an embolism of some kind while jogging and fell down the hill where she was found? Or maybe she tripped, fell and broke her neck. This could just be a case of accidental death, after all. Poor Gary Condit. He shoulda 'fessed up at the beginning. Not that I was ever too into the case, it just never seemed to add up. I'll tell you what, though: Gil Grissom could have figured this one out, 13-month old bones and all, in less than an hour!

Wow, What a Dork

Yesterday, Bush told us "Time are kind of tough." Thanks, Dubya, I was under the mistaken impression that we were living in a boom time.

Today we learn he is "unlikely to attend" an important environmental summit. The strangest thing about this is that a conservative group, big on "competitiveness," is applauding Bush for sending Colin Powell in his stead. Said the president of the Competitive Enterprise Institute, "The fortunate thing is when 40,000 goofies get together, not much happens." "Goofies?" Yes, I'm sure the World Summit on Sustainable Development, held only once every ten years, and attended by more than 100 world leaders, is a popular event for "goofies." God forbif the United States should be responsible in any way for the pollution and destruction perpetrated in the name of competitiveness. Goofy, indeed.

The Bitches Are Back

Woo HOO! I have a scanner and a working SCP. www.narcissa.com will be back in business with updates a-plenty in no time. New pictures, new TV shows "reviewed," club info updated... I'm excited.

Whoa, too much excitement in this heat. I'm off to eat a Whopper and melt on my couch (Grinda).

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

New Yorkers, listen up: If you oppose the mayor's proposed ban on smoking in all workplaces -- this means designated smoking areas in offices, all bars, and all restaurants -- contact your city councilperson and the mayor's office. I did, and I received a note back from my councilman, Marty Golden, that he plans to vote against this legislation, but that he feels strongly that there needs to be a grass roots movement to prevent it from passing.

Hey, I don't expect it to be legal to smoke just anywhere; I mean, movie theaters, airplanes, elevators, poorly ventilated restaurants -- these are not good places for smoking. I appreciate that. But a bar, especially one with a smoke eater, is a perfectly fine place for people to smoke. I mean, the entire object of a bar is to poison yourself. And what's the point of this new ban? If a bar owner or restaurant owner (with less than 35 seats) wants to either allow or disallow smoking, he or she can do that. A person who doesn't want to be around smoke can not go to places that allow it. It's not like there is a shortage of places to go in this city. But criminalize smoking in bars, and that's discrimination. Worse, it encourages membership clubs, which breeds even more discrimination. Even if I didn't smoke anymore, I'd be disgusted by this.

So, please let Mike know how you feel (hey, even if you're for it -- make your voice heard), and hunt down your councilperson (you should make sure you know who he or she is anyway!). Stand up for a person's right to risky behavior!

Skol!

When I read that a Michigan man had received a "Viking funeral," I was hoping to read something about the laws regarding disposal of human remains. Yes, I hoped to read that the man's family had flouted the conventions of society and set their dear one's corpse afire as his boat was set out to sea. Nope, just some ashes in a papier mache boat. Boo. How lame. Hardly newsworthy, I would say.

When I die, I want my ashes interred in a large, shining, silver urn, set atop a five foot marble pedestal, and stationed beneath a life (or bigger-than) sized oil portrait of me looking fabulous. The biggest beneficiary of my will would have to keep the whole shebang in his or her home in order to collect. I like that idea. That way, no one can ever forget me. Even if they come to think of me with evil thoughts, they'll remember me. Yes, that's the after-life for me.

How about you?

Cree-Pee

Maybe it's just me, but this is just weird. Nicolas Cage marries Lisa Marie Presley.

We all know Cage has an Elvis complex, right? He sings both "Love Me" and "Love Me Tender" in Wild at Heart, and he was in the film Honeymoon in Vegas, in which he dressed up as a Flying Elvis. His character in Snake Eyes... I mean, we all see it, right? So, he meets the King's daughter. They get married. I mean, she's been married to Michael Jackson, so that's very damaged goods right there. I can't figure out which one is sicker, the guy who marries the daughter of his idol or the girl who marries a guy who acts like her dad. It just gives me the heebie jeebies. Of course, maybe I'm the sick one for even thinking about it.

I Feel Nauseated

Okay, let's get this over with. I have a lot of things I am indignant about. No, it's true. One thing I loudly grouse about is the incorrect usage of nauseous. Today I read an advice column that quotes an English usage authority, the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate® Dictionary, Tenth Edition (10C). It says:

The 10C's definition of "nauseous" is as follows: "1: causing nausea or disgust : NAUSEATING 2 : affected with nausea or disgust." Then there's a (rather exasperated-sounding) usage note, to wit: "Those who insist that nauseous can properly be used only in sense 1 and that in sense 2 it is an error for nauseated are mistaken."

The columnist insists pretty much on sticking by the 10C, from what I've read, even though she admits to previously believing usage 2 to be wrong, as I do. So I did my own digging. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition notes a Usage Problem with definition 2, and says:

Traditional critics have insisted that nauseous is properly used only to mean “causing nausea” and that it is incorrect to use it to mean “affected with nausea,” as in Roller coasters make me nauseous. In this example, nauseated is preferred by 72 percent of the Usage Panel. Curiously, though, 88 percent of the Panelists prefer using nauseating in the sentence The children looked a little green from too many candy apples and nauseating (not nauseous) rides. Since there is a lot of evidence to show that nauseous is widely used to mean “feeling sick,” it appears that people use nauseous mainly in the sense in which it is considered incorrect. In its “correct” sense it is being supplanted by nauseating.

This tends to justify my belief that it is a case of incorrect usage seeping into the language. The reason no one thinks nauseous sounds right in its correct usage is because people have started using nauseating. Other dictionaries -- Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc., WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University, On-line Medical Dictionary, © 1997-98 Academic Medical Publishing & CancerWEB -- show only definition 1. I stand by my conviction. I may not speak perfect English, but there are some things I will never let go. That's what makes me charming!

Smooches!

Not a Hippie, Not Yet a Fascist

Growing up, I went to what I now call "the hippie school." It wasn't obvious to me then, but when I look back on it, open classrooms, sitting "Indian-style" on the floor rather than using chairs and tables, watching films in a carpeted pit they called a "kiva," holding hands and singing "Blowin' In The Wind" during "Brotherhood Week"... yep, it was a hippie school. But it was a great school. I only went there three years (it was K-3, and they skipped me out of kindergarten for the wanton crime of knowing how to read), but it seemed to be a good time (what I can remember). My reading book was A is for Anaconda. On our birthdays, we would lay down on a big sheet of paper -- you know, the kind you roll out -- and the teacher would trace us with a permanent marker. Then all the students would write inside the silohuette of you words that they thought described you or invoked your spirit somehow. I'll never forget that my teacher wrote "charisma" on my 8th birthday, The paper was green. That was also the year I became allergic to both chocolate and peanut butter. If I ate either, I would break out into hives. At one birthday party, I could eat only pretzels, because they were serving Reese's Cups and chocolate milk -- and that's it. It was a dry party, let me tell you.

The point of this: I grew up with these hippie notions of all people being the same. Color, religion, they meant nothing. And that was true. In 1982. In Cincinnati. When I was 8. At age 28, in 2002, in New York City, brother, that's not the case anymore. And it pisses me off. When I hear that little voice in my head, using someone's cultural difference in place of the word "jerk" or "moron" ("I wish these jerks would finish this construction" becomes something else entirely), I can't stand myself. And I know I don't mean every single person sharing the trait, but I do mean all the people who share the trait and all the other negative ones I can't stand. This is vague, I know, and here I go again, trying not to offend anyone. Well, I'll be honest. I live in a neighborhood with a lot of Hasidic Jews. At first, I was fascinated. I read My Name is Asher Lev, and I loved it. I was sad when Chaim Potok died recently. I'm a secular humanist, myself, so the fact of their religion is about as important to me as the fact of anyone's -- not at all. I think the Mormons, the Christians, the Jews, the Hindus, the Muslims are all crazy in that respect. So, it's a level playing field. But there is just something about a group of people who act as if you aren't even there. As if they are the only people on the street or in the subway. And maybe I'm horribly biased because once I saw a Hasidic man at a fetish club and my blood boiled with the hypocracy of it. I don't know. But I do find myself looking at the interminable yeshiva construction on my street corner (the one that makes me have to walk in the street because the sidewalk is all torn up) and hearing my little voice say, "When the hell are they going to be finished building Jewtown already?" And I'm ashamed of myself, and pissed off, and it's all just wrong somehow, but I don't know how to fix it.

That's my confused rant of the day. The whistle just blew, so it's time for me to jump down my stegasaurus and foot-pedal myself home to Wilma. Lucky cavemen. Pre-evolution must have been the bomb.

Wait For the Beep!

Our building is testing the fire alarm system, and the buzz of the alarm is very old-fashioned and loud. It reminds me of a giant door buzzer. This whole situation has reminded me of the first high school I went to, and how odd it was.

Scott High School was a very new school when I went there in 1987. It was carpeted, had two floors, open classrooms (except for the science labs), and the "bell" wasn't a bell at all, but a tone. Very much like the tone at the end of the outgoing message on an answering machine. Irrepressible wits that we were, my pals and I would always say, "Wait for the beep!" when the end of the period was imminent. At that time, there were advertisements on TV for a tape you could use for your outgoing message, instead of recording your own. They were "humorous," like a man with a deep voice singing "Nobody's home, nobody's home" to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Our favorite was the rap one, which went, "Wait for the beep! Ya got ta leave ya name, ya got ta leave ya numbah! Wait for the beep!" And we would sing it all the time. God, we were cool.

At my high school reunion, I was informed that I was once put in a locker by a classmate (a boy -- I never tangled with the girls, always the big, dumb guys. Easier targets) and locked in. I had to be let out by the Assistant Principal, Mr. Pelfry, whom we affectionately dubbed "Hitler." I don't remember this at all. But I have a pretty bad memory for events that happened to me, especially before high school. It's all very hazy. I don't remember any of my teacher's names, but two or three. I have memories of places and things, but not really of specific events. And this is strange, because I can remember facts and figures very well. Also, my life has been hella interesting, even in childhood, so it should be memorable. But, no. I still don't believe I was put in a locker. Really? Seems like I'd remember that...

I Am Dilbert

What else can you say when you're obssessed with getting the right desk supplies to make the flow of work coming on and off your desk more efficient? I want and in/out box, folder desk-stands, bulletin board, stamps that say "FAXED" and "Rec'd 8/7/02." I need sticky labels for my manilla folders and clear plastic label holders for my hanging file folders. I want a fake flower arrangement to put in the vase outside my office.

I have two Rolodexes, but they aren't the right kind. I want my business cards, too. Why do I suddenly feel like the Veruca Salt of Office Depot?

These Are the Blogs of Our Lives

I find it mind-boggling that people aren't flocking to read my incoherent ramblings. Come on people! If there are ramblings more incoherent, I'll eat my... dinner. Yeah.

My head is all swimmy with ideas and plans. However, it's impossible to start on any decent idea or plan at 4:30 pm. Just not gonna happen. Of course, all I have to look forward to is the responsible person's life of going home, not drinking, considering washing the dishes, and watching endless sitcom reruns or taped episodes of Buffy. Ooh, I'm almost to the end of Season Three. Soon, Buffy and Faith will duke it out, Angel will drink Buffy's blood, the Mayor will turn into a big demon and Sunnydale High will go BOOM!† Then what? hit rewind and start over at Season One? Can I really keep watching the same television shows over and over and over and over until I know each subtle nuance of Sarah Michelle Gellar's nose scrunches and Anthony Stewart Head's eyeglass polishing? Can I? Not without someone to help me play the Buffy Drinking Game, I can't. Of course, I could always just play it alone, but that would be really pathetic. Hmm, perhaps no more pathetic than writing to myself on the Internet. Six-pack of Labatt's and VCR, here I come!

†First she saves the prom from being overrun by devil dogs trained to attack at the sight of formalwear, and even gets a nifty gift from an appreciative (because, living) class, but the whole break-up with Angel is so depressing, I didn't want to mention it.

What's Snoo With You?

First day at the new job. I like having my own little quiet office. It's already almost 2 o'clock and I'm not even bored yet. This bodes well. Just wanted to briefly check in. No AIM, which is sad, but my e-mail is the same.

The Who kicked righteous ass on Saturday. Between them and Robert Plant, I am definitely on the lookout for old, blonde Brtitish guys who like to rock. Have you seen Roger Daltrey's abs these days? Townsend blew everyone away, and Ringo's kid Zak is a hell of a drummer.

One more thing: If anyone can give me a good, solid argument why school vouchers aren't the worst and most unconstitutional idea ever, please fill me in. I don't even get why there are two sides to this debate.

Kisses!

Feedback: It's Not Just For Crappy Nü Metal Bands Anymore

Write to me, please.

Holy Crap!

Another reason why the rest of the world thinks Americans are idiots. Some maroon is offering to tattoo an advertisement on his forehead for $100,000. He's got no takers, yet, thankfully.

Today is my last day of work at my old job. I just ate the last Quarter Pounder Value Meal I'll ever eat at this desk. *sniff* OK, I'm over it.

Hedonism has its repercussions. Don't forget that, kids.

Dude, I am totally buying this book. Plus, Tribe 8 is playing at the Knitting Factory in NYC on Monday. Dyke punk rock. Who'da thunk it? The Knitting Factory's website says: "With politically biting lyrics, punk riffs by the truckload, a live show unrivaled in the western hemisphere, support from the coolest label around (Alternative Tentacles) and legions of devoted fans, the band is nothing short of a cultural phenomenon." Plus, "strap-ons" is listed as an instrument. It's only $10. I'm seriously considering going. Any takers?

$10,000 Pyramid

How can the food pyramid be wrong? I've been stuffing myself with low-glycemic index grains for over a year based on that thing. I'm so very confused. Now I've decided to eat hamburgers as much as I want to. Obviously, there is no right answer, so why not just enjoy myself? Bring on the Double Quarter Pounder, the Big n Tasty, the Whopper, the Big Bacon Classic, the Cozy Burger, the diner pizza burger (yum!), the hamburger steak. Fill my tummy with ground cow goodness. Forget the fries -- I'll take all my carbs in the bun and the condiments. It's nothing but hamburgers from now on. And Dr. Pepper. Who says caffeine is bad for me? A doctor? But none of them can even agree on the simple issue of what causes heart disease! Maybe I'll start smoking unfiltered cigarettes, having gin for breakfast and shooting smack for dinner. Exercise? Who needs it? Dragging my sorry ass out of bed before 10 am is enough workout for me. As long as I have enough caffeine, nicotine and heroin, I should stay skinny all right. A little makeup, some hairpieces to cover up the inevitable bald spots, breath mints, I'll be the picture of health. Think of it, the people we aspire to look like, the models and the actresses, that's how they do it. I think we're missing a vital point here. Oh, and don't forget the colonics. Very important. See, when you're beautiful, you don't even have to worry about taking a crap for yourself!