Turn Off

I've just had it. There's not a single news story I feel like reading. I have no interest in watching the news on television. The fact that I had to listen to Donald Rumsfeld lie on the radio this morning before I got to hear some Petula Clark was irritating to the extreme. I have a feeling that if I don't pay attention to the news for a few weeks, everything will go on as it would have otherwise, and I can catch up in time for the next election.

Instead of checking out Salon this morning, I went straight to The Onion. My favorite, laugh out loud moments of this week?

"In last Tuesday's midterm elections, Republicans retook the U.S. Senate, giving them control of both houses of Congress. What do you think?
'Gosh, that election really sucked. Well, at least it'll probably be the last one we ever have.' -- Raymond Thatcher, Architect"

"Jackie Robinson Lynched for Stealing Second" -- From The Onion in History (1948)

And, transcribed in full:

"Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation
WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to stem a four-year decline in freaky Yolandas throwing they titties on U.S. glass, U.S. Sen. Mix-A-Lot (B-WA) introduced sweeping new putting-'em-on-glass legislation Tuesday. "Now listen up, Uncle Sam / I wanna see soul sistas pressin' that ham / Make me say damn / I wanna rear-end 'em / So I'm callin' a Senate referendum / Bounce by the ounce don't make no fun / I'll take 'em by the ton, son," Mix-A-Lot said. "Don't hand this bill down to no committees / 'Cause Mix don't wait on monster titties / Note to my colleague Tom Daschle / That if the babies be gettin' bashful / No melons droppin' on my windshield / So get them nudie laws repealed." Mix-A-Lot then gave props to the authors of H.R. 1610, from which several key clauses were sampled."

Oh, Sir Mix-a-Lot, you scamp!