...Sometimes Just Pretzels and Beer

Hello, children. Isn't it great when everything is just coming together? When you feel productive and energized? When things are going your way? Sure, these times are fleeting and infrequent, but they can really do a lot to offset those days of pain and misery. One day of sunshine, one day of stamped and mailed envelopes, one day of phone calls that yield positive results, one little perfect day can make all the difference. One day leads into two, then three, and suddenly, you know what it means to be successful. Right now, I just feel successful in keeping myself on top of things, successful in taking care of myself in a difficult situation, but it's enough.

Small successes lead to heightened expectations, meeting small goals makes it easier to create bigger goals. Every day that I move forward makes it seem more and more impossible -- unacceptable -- to fall back.

When I was in high school and college, I was a borderline Type A student. Perfection was the goal, nothing else would do. My first semester in college I got a 3.88 GPA and flew into a tizzy. I had to get my shit together! For the next 6 semesters, I came out with a 4.0. The impending end of college, the end of the ability to gauge perfection and validate my behavior, threw a monkeywrench into the system. It has taken me years to get back on that track. I had to learn a new way to validate myself. I had to start "grading" myself. It is very difficult for me to function in an environment where I'm not given some kind of gold star (usually metaphorical) for my efforts. Making the leap to a life where I have to accept my own judgements of myself -- rather than relying on the judgements of others -- has been tough! Of course, very few people don't have people coaching and advising them, and I am not one of them. But now I use advice and criticism and lessons as guidance rather than as a seal of approval (or sometimes, disapproval!).

I guess it's true, life doesn't end at 30! Although the wrinkles do come fast and furious...